Almost done

Last night was an adventure. I began writing a paper around 8:00. The goal was 5-10 pages... I finished up around 4:00 this morning with 6 pages. It is not my best ever but I am to a point where I don't care. I'm happy with whatever score I woohoo! One more week and then finals are over.

Hypoglycemia for dummies

I went into the doctors office today for my mission physical. I finally remembered to ask about my shakes (I've been meaning to ask a doctor about this for at least two years). He diagnosed it as hypoglycemia. While there the doctor told me a little bit about it. Of course if I were a responsible person I would make sure that I was completely educated on the matter, so I went home and Googled it.

From what I have gathered Hypoglycemia is when your body does not break down glucose correctly. The pancreas fails to shut off the insulin quickly enough and as a result your blood sugar gets low.
Symptoms I have include(I know it just sounds like I am a normal person who is just not fun to be around):
-Feeling cranky or agressive
-Hunger (I have the appetite of a starving hyena)
-Shaking or Trembling
-Trouble sleeping
-Unclear thinking/Inability to concentrate
-Fatigue
-Migraines

Food to avoid:
Processed foods
Fried foods
MSG
Soft drinks
Artificial sweeteners
Hot dogs, sausages, and deli meats (I find this one strange)

Dealing with Cravings(Their word for my appetite):
Toss it. Any food on the "to avoid" list. If it is more inconvenient to get to you are less likely to eat it.
Breathe. Take deep belly breathes till the cravings go away. Preferably for 5 min.
Bathe. Helps clear stagnant energy.
Drink. Drink water before you eat something. Wait 15 min to see if you still feel hungry.
Meditate. Figure out why you want what you do. Comfort? Love? Security? Fill it in a different form (Call your Mom. Find a time you felt loved and feel it again. Etc.)
Visualize. Imagine yourself healthy and happy-- when you finally have self control.
Pause before Caving. Bargain with yourself. 'I'll wait 10 min and then eat it.' and then follow through.
Switch to something similar. Want sorbet? Make a smoothie.

*Food to avoid and Dealing with Cravings are thanks to Hypoglycemia for dummies.

A few words on gratitude

Today I decided to go back and look at some old posts of mine. I only read a couple but it was enough.

At the beginning of this year I was thinking that time couldn't pass any slower. I was so stressed and I was a wreck. I was missing Natalie and I was having a hard time handling it... I was reminded of this when I read this post.

In church many times I have heard stories of saints in the Book of Mormon and also in these latter days who, when going through hard times, draw close to the Lord. As life begins to get better they drift away. I feel as if I have done this in my own way. Not to an extremity where I've stopped praying at night or lacked in my church attendance but concerning my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

The beginning of this year was hard. As I look back I feel as if my life is much better. I live in a cheaper apartment. I still have wonderful roommates. I have a job that gives me the hours I want. I don't live too far away from campus. But I have not shown any gratitude.

We were sent here to this earth to learn and grow. God understands that we aren't going to be perfect while we live but the important thing is that we are living and we are keeping God apart of it the whole time.

I'm grateful for my challenges. I have definitely learned from them. I am grateful for a sister who has faith enough to sacrifice a small bit of her life to serve the Lord. Her example has given me strength as I made the decision to do the same. In the Lord I am ready for anything that is to come. I pray that as I continue to live that I don't forget to live without gratitude.

The problem with roommates.

If you fart you are at risk of her walking in right after... Embarrassing.



On a more serious note, the reality of adding more time to when I can see Natalie again just hit.
Missing her isn't hard to medicaid but there are those few days when I start thinking about time and it all seems like it's going to last an eternity.

Kearney Love

I think I should tell you about a love affair that has developed.

A good friend of mine introduced us, Pandora. 

When I first heard him I liked his style. 

Hipster with his own touch of rap. Sounds weird but that's what it is.

His voice is easy on the ears.

He sings with a sound that is his own.

He dresses nicely:}

His songs make you want to get up and dance, snuggle up with a blanket, 

or lay on the grass and enjoy nature.

Meet Mat Kearney.

Jesus Still Loves Me

So yesterday I went into the testing center to take a New Testament Midterm.

I got to the desk and realized I had forgotten my bible (open scripture test)*.
Once they give you that paper you can't exactly say, "Oh I'm sorry sir, I can't actually accept this. Go into the computer and change my status back to 'Hasn't taken test' please."
Nope there was a long line behind me and I would probably get laughed at.
It was going to be interesting couple of hours.

After I had turned in my bubble sheet I walked down the stairs to the score monitor.

58%

The minute I saw the score my mind flashed to this post.
Honestly I was really disappointed but I did brush it off.
I did my best. Didn't matter that I bombed it. Jesus still loves me.


*Forgetting my scriptures wasn't my only problem. I'm not going to be reanalyzing my study methods.

I'm a fish trying to climb a tree

 

 Well world, it's time for a little bit of honesty from myself. This last week has been a rough one. I was doubting all sorts of things and I was just struggling to remember how to be myself.

I'm not sure how many of you have experienced this but it's discouraging. 

Normally I'm a fairly cheery person. I am confident with myself. If I don't succeed in a class/test, I shake it off. "I did my best and that's all I can do."

I have a pretty good idea for how it started.

I have a class that I don't completely understand. World Civilization 202. The whole class is based off of discussion and thinking deeply about why certain things happen. The problem is that the professors way of teaching and my way of processing information are completely opposite of each other. The teacher just talks and talks during class. He doesn't create any real structure or clear connection of anything. All the information just blends together and I never know what to write down. So in class the other day we were asked to turn to our neighbor and explain why we thought a culture didn't test to see whether air flowed through our veins or if it was blood (All having to do with the discovery that the heart was a double valved pump). I thought hard why and turned to the guy next to me and told him. His response made me feel like I belonged at the front of the class with a dunce cap on. It was seriously degrading and I didn't want to be sitting there next to him any longer. As a result that was all I could think of for the rest of class. That's all I have been able to think about since. It has eaten at me. Has been the foundation for thoughts like, "I'm sick of being a disappointment to my Dad," or "I don't belong in college. I'm not advanced enough in my thinking."

I know that the fact that I'm thinking these things isn't because of that young man. It's because of Satan. He saw an opportunity to pull me down and he got me good. I have never gotten this confused with myself. 

It was even worse because I would look at how I felt in the last week then compare it to how I normally am. I felt as if I had forgotten how to be me. 

I think I became lax in my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and that's how I  was caught off guard. I can't let this happen to me ever again because it's miserable. 

In my distress I've prayed to my Heavenly Father and I am working on becoming Katrina again.

The truth comes out

Very bluntly. Thank you Pete.

I suspected Pete wasn't single...

I was right.

I feel so relieved! Honestly.

Wondering about it was Stressful!

Ladies and Gents... This is last we'll all be hearing about Pete.

Warm Fuzzies

This song makes my heart happy.

That feeling of peace that everything will be alright is irreplaceable.

Dream a little dream. Doesn't matter the version. It's wonderful

Dear Pete

I give up.

I'm throwing in the towel.

I'm through trying.

If you're interested, it's your problem now.

Because I'm done thinking and worrying about it.

I understand that there comes a point where I just need to let it go.
I've gotten to that point.

It's no fun if you're playing a game on your own.

No matter how much you try to convince yourself it's not just you, it won't change your situation.

Goodbye Pete.

It's okay.
There are always other fish in the sea... Unfortunately quite a few look like this.

Smile

Throughout the decades music has adapted quite a bit.

I love how far we've come but too many people have forgotten how to appreciate music throughout history.

Growing up I listened to/played all kinds of music.

When I was super little I would sneak my mom's ABBA CD into the player and just sit and listen to it.

I'm not quite sure why it had to be ABBA but I loved it.

Whenever in the car my mom would play her country and although I decided I hated it for a while there in Junior high I came to accept that I do love it... And for some reason country helps me relax.

I would jam out to Backstreet boys and N'Sync with my best friend.

I don't know how long we spent day dreaming that Nick would come walking down our street and knock on her door... It was great :}

I listened and loved all the music my brothers listened to. Five Iron Frenzy. Aquabats. They Might Be Giants. Mainly because I thought they were so cool.

Around 3rd grade I began playing violin and gained an appreciation for a new sound.

In 7th grade I started playing trombone and what we played wasn't mainly Bach or Beethoven...

It was better. 

And then I was introduced to Jazz. 

I had a harder time grasping everything that came with Jazz

but I did gain a love for it.

Recently my roommate introduced to Korean Pop. It's growing on me.

Now, there will be days when I won't want to hear 'Firework' one more time or else I might go crazy.

When all I want to hear Ingrid Michaelson's wonderful tones.

Or movie sountracks.

But lately I have noticed that I've had more of an itch for smooth jazz...

Oooh baby their voices flow like honey and it just gets me...

If you've never heard it, shame. If you have, we can be friends.

Here's one that I just found and already love.

 Enjoy a Charlie and a sound that makes you melt.

Pulled Pork and Slaw

So in all reality this sandwich looks slightly disgusting. But don't judge. A lot of the food we eat looks pretty nasty...

I discovered this beauty during winter semester this last year. There is a joint on campus that makes a bunch of unique sandwiches. I had a friend who worked there and in my efforts to visit her while at work I decided to try something new (Doesn't always end with unfavorable results).

They put it on *sourdough bread. Top the pork with some sort of cheese (Swiss, Mozzarella, or Provolone). Toast it and then give you the choice of Thousand Island dressing. Then the coleslaw goes on top.

It's Very delicious! One of those yummy treats that doesn't make you feel like you are eating a sandwich of grease and mayo.

If you ever get the chance to try one, just do it!


*Also good on wheat bread.

Employed!!!

I got the job!!!!!!!

All day I wanted to celebrate.
So I did in little ways.

I went swimming with Bri.

I ate a very large can of spaghetti-o's.

I went on a walk by myself wanting a treat.

I stopped at Sub Zero.
Being spontaneous and trying new things is not always a good idea.
Watermelon Custard with Cookie dough.... Elch.

So after eating as much of that as I could stand I went next door to Jamba Juice.
Mango a go go
Great second try.

Second Interview

School has begun again and I am no longer riding the gravy train at my parents. Moving out = Bills. Textbooks. Rent and Electric. Groceries. There's more but I don't really want to think about it all.
The great thing about it is if you want to pay it all off, you need money. So I started searching for jobs on campus. That was a fail. The only jobs that work for me are early morning/late night custodial. I've had my fill to last me a few years.

It was time to start looking in the neighborhood. Subway. Spoon it up. Shopko. That's as far as I had gotten. Then the last two called me for interviews. EXCITING! It's just an interview but it's a step in the right direction.

Both were on Saturday and both went really well. Unfortunately somebody did better in their interview for Spoon it Up because I didn't get the job. But I did get a second interview at Shopko. For today. At 12:30.
I'm praying with all my heart that it goes well because it's a job and I need one.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Dear Pete

As a friend you told me that you were going to stay unconnected from girls for the summer. I gladly obliged and tried to remain just a friend, not showing too much interest.

Well, Pete, it's no longer summer and I'm first in the line of girls that fills up a whole gym that was waiting for summer to be over.

I will gladly give up my place in line if you would just answer a few questions of mine:

1. Did you really stay unconnected from girls over the summer? Or are high school friends an exception?

2. When you're a real gentleman and you make me feel like a million bucks, is there a little bit of it just for me or is that just what you do for all girls?

3. If there is no interest in me please just be blunt? I know you can be and have been with girls in the past. This way I don't have to waste any more energy or worries on you.

If you could just get back to me as soon as possible, that would be wonderful.

From, Katrina



Oh the things I wish I could say to speed up the process...

Running therapy

When I get frustrated or upset my energy spikes and I don't think like an adult. In the past I have kicked walls or thrown myself on the ground.

After admitting that, I realize it's very immature and childish. Don't judge.

When I get to this point, there is no talking me out of it. I've had people try to comfort me in my frustration and it usually just makes it worse. The only thing for me to do is to get my energy out in someway.

Everyone chills their own way. I have friends who sleep. Others who read books. I know some who just have to be alone and breathe.

My method is the last one. Multiplied a little.

I've found the best way for me to de-stress or avoid my frustration fits is to run.

Yesterday I reached a point of frustration where I couldn't think about anything else but wanting to get out and run. I went straight home and threw on my sweat clothes and running shoes.

An hour and 4.3 miles later I was calm.

Stadium Terrace #18

Fall 2012 semester starts tomorrow. I'm so nervous. Besides the classes that I have to audition for I shouldn't be nervous. All we'll be doing is reading syllabuses. I guess what I am nervous for is what is to come in a month or two. Lots of homework. Blowing it off to sleep. Break downs in my bedroom. Getting bad grades in *pre-reqs.

I just really want to do a good job this year. And of course I know it's all up to me. 

On the upside I moved into my new apartment. I'm really loving it. I picked my roommate according to what pictures she had hanging up in her room. Ended up being an excellent method. She loves Asians, Lord of the Rings, and old classic movies. She's her own kind of weird :) I know we're going to be great friends.

Hey so do you remember Pete... So update. He went out of state for the summer and informed me he wasn't planning on getting in any relationships before then. Well the last guy that I liked as much as Pete I scared off. So this time I decided that I would avoid that. I tried to distract myself. I saw the boy from my American Heritage class. The one I thought I was leading. I saw John. We hung out a couple of times and I could have made it  work. I was reminded of a crush I've had on one of my best friends. He was concerned for my making out well being and gave me the option of a NCMO. I knew it wouldn't fix anything but it would definitely distract. That didn't happened... Well it might have if I hadn't been kicked out of my own neighborhood.

Point being I tried to get myself over Pete. Or at least stop thinking about him. I went a whole month without talking to him.

Side note. For some reason I feel the need to tell the guy that I'm interested in everything that is happening in my life. When I asked friends to take a look at our conversations, my friends said that he seemed too much like my shoulder to cry on... I'm screwed because I don't know how to flirt with guys so that was my only form of getting to know him. Ah nuts. 

Anyway I saw him yesterday to practice dancing and of course he had to be such a stinkin sweetie. Pretty much everything I did during the summer failed. I want to call him and just talk. I want to go to his apartment and tell him everything that has happened to me this summer. I want to ask him about a high school friend of his that he might possibly be interested in. I'm supposed to give it time but I don't want to.

Please tell me I'm not the only girl whose ever felt like this in their life.

*I'm looking into switching from the dance major to a dietetics major. You have to apply to the program after taking all the pre-reqs. For me that's looking at being February 2014. We'll see how that goes.

Arachni-deathicus

Please excuse if there is incorrect grammar at all but it is 2:00 in the morning.

I was watching a movie on my laptop at the time. 1:00 a.m. Probably a good time to go get ready for bed. 

I went to the bathroom and began brushing my teeth. Rinsed. Spit.

Moved onto the flossing ritual. Brush fluoride onto my teeth then floss it in between.

I go to throw away the floss and notice that the trash can is overflowing. I pull it out to get all the strays off the floor and into the can when I see it.

Pretty much the second largest spider I've seen crawling around my house. The first was in my garage and I think the only reason it looked so big was because it was carrying it's millions of babies on it's back. 

Anyway.

It was at least an inch and a quarter when spread out. Not lying. 

I should probably tell you my philosophy on spiders. 

Outside: Great. Perfect. That's where they belong. Occasionally I might torment one for kicks but I generally let them be.

Inside: Size. Color. Location. Doesn't matter. It is getting squished, flushed, washed down a drain or vacuumed. Nothing can make me agree to let it stay.

Washing down the drain

Super easy. You open the shower curtain and see the thing unable to climb out of the tub and you just turn on the faucet. Close off the tub drain for a while till you feel sure the spider hasn't decided to try again.

Vacuuming the sucker up

Also easy. Depending on how nervous the specimen makes you can vary the length of attachment. You turn the vacuum on. Suck it up and then leave it on until you are sure the vacuum has imploded the creepy crawly. The debby downer of this one is the prep time. Going to fetch the vacuum gives the bug time to make it's escape. Wouldn't want that.

Squishing

Debatable to be one of the hardest methods. If the spider is on the floor you just have to drop something heavy on it. If it's on the wall? Not as easy. You risk the spider falling onto the ground/carpet resulting in losing it. And you also have to get close to it. The thought of it getting on my hand just gives me the shivers.

Flushing

Hardest with few exceptions. I only revert to this method after I've ruled out being able to grab the vacuum and the haunting sound of it's crunch are to much to handle. This usually entails grabbing more toilet paper than necessary and lightly pinching it between your fingers. Again hoping with all your being it doesn't escape and climb onto your hand. Running to the bathroom and violently tossing and flushing almost in sync.

Well for tonight's encounter my first instinct was to get Richard to squish it. He had only gone to bed a couple minutes before so I wouldn't be waking him up. After begging him for a few minutes I lost because he was too comfortable and in all reality as terrified as I am.

Considering it hadn't moved at all since I discovered it, vacuuming it came to mind. I ran upstairs grabbed our longest extension and prepared myself.

In the first two seconds the spider lost the war. I sucked up it's unbelievable area (Surprised it had gone so long unnoticed). Then walked out a champion. 

I should tell you. About a month ago I was reading on my bed when baby spiders came out from the gap under the window sill. Squished and Vacuumed. The worst though is only two weeks ago I got two spider bites while asleep. The thought of one big enough for those bites is nasty. After tonight I wish with all my heart that my dad would've paid to get our house sprayed. 

Brian Nigel Cook

This last week one of my best friends passed away. The autopsy report said there was no cause of death. His heart just stopped. Heavenly Father called him on a mission to mexico but He decided He needed Brian sooner. I would try to say a few words but Chelsey almost summed up everything. I'll just add a bit more.

Brian,
I love you like a brother. For an awkward time in high school I loved you more than that. We were an awkward bunch but we made the best memories. I still think about that awkward time at the door... nothing happened because I freaked out. After it all we stayed friends. I can't express how grateful I am that you were in my life. Nothing can compare to the memories we made. Like when we sat in the HBLL "doing homework" just talking. We both knew we weren't going to get any homework done because I love talking too much.
Brian I always thought you'd be a perfect General Authority but I guess your call was for much higher things. I look forward to seeing you again.
Love, Katrina

Reminder.

Today I had a friendly figurative bonk on the head. A reminder of sorts about what I should be looking for in my future husband. I think it's kind of funny that it was all thanks to reading about a how happily married LDS man deals with being gay.
It reminded me that although all the physical attraction is great... it's a bonus. Not that I am being shallow I've just forgotten that the main goal is a best friend. Somebody, that no matter what, we can pull through all the hard stuff; continually loving each other and still seeing the joys in every day life.

Another Musdak (Musical Kodak) Moment

I know that in my past I have said that I found a perfect song for my life at the time. 

Well I've been loving Imogen Heap for a year and today I realized that 

one of my favorite songs ironically describes my situation with Pete.

Completely actually.
I'll have to elaborate sometime.

Bad date?

Dating? What is that? Not really but it has been quite a while since I have been on a date. Well that was mostly because the only guy I want to be going on dates with is... out of town. Anyway, I recently met a young man that did catch my interest.
Well I decided instead of just obnoxiously wanting to text him and debating with myself, I would just be bold and ask him on a date. Strawberry days was this last week. What a perfect opportunity. A carnival. A parade. A rodeo.
Since I was already going to the rodeo I decided that it would be fun to turn it into a date.

Background: There was one other couple on this date... and then Chelsey. I have been in this situation before and it wasn't awkward at all so I didn't think of anything of it. Oh and my date had met Chelsey 4ish years ago.

So my date suggested that we go get food before the rodeo and I got to pick. I didn't want to pick somewhere I always go so I chose Rancheritos. I have had food from here before that was super good. But I couldn't remember what I had ordered so I just got a bean and cheese burrito. It was gross. That probably didn't affect anything though.

While eating we talked but it wasn't the best conversation. It seemed like we were both struggling for interest in the topic. First red flag.
We made our way to the rodeo and it improved until we found our seats. I didn't realize at first but after awhile I noticed that my date was more interested in talking and flirting with Chelsey than me. Flag number 2. Well actually more like Major Red Alert. Chelsey flirts with boys and is pretty much oblivious. I know she will be reading this at some point so just know that I don't care at all that she is sassy and flirty. We're all guilty of it.

Anyway I can pretty much sum up the rest of the date in that last paragraph. I tried to talk and to flirt. He did too. But only 10% of the time was it directed toward me.

The rodeo turned into a cookie dough eating dare. Chelsey took it on and then I helped her out. That was pretty much unforgettable.

Jess and her date left for home because of a long drive. I was sad when Jess left but shortly after my date left. As he was driving off the night became 200% better. My jerk of a date didn't matter anymore and it was now Chelsey, Carson and I. I began laughing and I didn't have to care who heard (I'm pretty sure my laugh bugged my date) We went up to the PG water stump (I would say tower but it's not) and just talked. And talked. And talked. I believe we got there between 12 and 1. We didn't get home until 5.

When I think about it now, that was probably the best therapy I have ever had. It was needed. If Chelsey and Carson had left right away I would have gone down to my room and thought about how rude I had just been treated. Having that time on the water tower helped me realize that it didn't matter.

Chelsey is beyond an incredible person. She's cute and easy to talk to. She is a loaded sassy pistol which just makes her personality that much greater. If a guy who is on a date with me isn't able to see me past my best friend, he's not worth my time. I think I might just bring Chelsey on all my dates just so that I can weed out the bad ones.
She won't approve but I think it's a great idea.

I deserve a man who can appreciate who I am and want to focus on me no matter who is walking by.

Wuthering Heights

I've read the novel Wuthering Heights written by Emily Bronte'. Personally I found it just a bit morbid. I would prefer Jane Eyre written by Emily's sister, Charlotte, but they were both phenomenal writers. 

Anyway, Natalie once showed me this video and I had completely forgotten about it until today.

It doesn't matter whether or not you've read the book, I think this video is a classic. 

Busy... with nothing?

So you know that I recently quit my early morning job and began working full time as assistant manager at a Shaved Ice shack. I work Monday-Saturday for six hours or more a day. My duties include sitting on my bucket stool, reading a book, babysitting, oh and occasionally making a snow cone.
The shack has only been open since last Tuesday so it's understandable why it's been kind of slow. Once it gets later in the day it gets busier but last week I switched the manager for her morning shift so that I could babysit for our boss in the evening. So 4 of my 5 working days last week were spent all alone in the shack.

Whenever I get home I'm so tired that I pretty much don't accomplish anything of value. Horrible. I know. A week ago on Sunday my family had planned on going boating that Saturday. They had gone on Monday but I couldn't go because I was babysitting. By Thursday I was imagining myself floating behind our boat with my one ski strapped to my feet.

Saturday came and it seemed that the trip wasn't going to happen... I became sincerely annoyed and then made it my main focus of the morning to get my family out of the house and onto that lake. My efforts were successful and my first boating trip of the season was so wonderful. I really think I am going to take every chance I can get to take a break from busily sitting around doing nothing. So excited.

An end to insanity

I almost forgot to share the wonderful news!!!

So do you remember how I was insane and worked early morning custodial from 4-8?

Well it being summer and all, waking up at 3:30 and going to bed at 9 is no fun. My efforts to find a new job reached desperate. I eventually found one and two and half weeks ago so I put in my two weeks notice.

I guess I could just say my last day was last Friday.

Besides this morning, every day since I haven't woken up until 10:00.

Sleeping in is therapeutic.

If anybody finds themselves too hot over the summer and is in need of some cooling down, there is a new snow shack in the makings on 800 N in Orem. Right in front of a great little pet shop called Exotic Reef.

I've been hired full time so feel free to come stop by! I'm pretty sure it's going to be the best snow cone shack for miles around.

He's just not that into you

A couple weeks back I deleted Pete's number so that I wouldn't be able to give into the irrational temptations to text him/make stupid calls to him. (I've learned the hard way that I can be pretty weird if I don't keep myself in check.) I rationalized that if I did have a legitimate reason to contact him, I had his number on my voicemail.
Well my phone is very courteous and takes care of old messages that you don't seem to need anymore. It deleted his messages, along with his number. When I realized that his number was gone I just laughed. I once told Pete about my method and then he started joking about whether I had deleted his number. I reassured him I hadn't. Now I have. I didn't mean to make it permanent but there's no going back now.

"If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you. No exceptions." -Alex (He's just not that into you)
The first time I texted him to see how he was, I was embarrassed to find out he hadn't left yet. He stopped by my house to see me before he left. Since he's left I have texted him a few times but responses were limited. I know that he is pretty busy but still... No exceptions. Pete told me that he wasn't interested in getting in any relationships before summer just because he was going to be gone for the whole summer. This could be why nothing ever happened. Or not. I guess I will find out this fall.

For now I have decided that I'm not going to worry about boys. I am going to make this summer incredible and unforgettable. Cross my heart and hope to die.

Chickburgers

Good news. I found a copy of Catching Fire. I didn't think to ask my little brother's girlfriend... Anyway, I haven't been able to read it as quickly as Hunger Games just because I've had a busy week. I had a realization though about half way through probably chapter 4. This romance is very relatable (new word) to Twilight. A young girl has feelings for two guys. One more than the other. It's safer for her if she chooses the one she is not as in love with... etc. But this series is definitely more entertaining than Twilight.

So for dinner tonight I made some chicken hamburgers. I wasn't sure how well it would turn out... Especially when my patties resembled my dog's barf. I had to try them though and I was pleasantly surprised! Chickburgers are super delicious. I'd show you a picture but you've probably already lost your appetite.

In need!

Until yesterday I had only made it through the first chapter of the Hunger Games. I decided that I needed to stop wasting my time with stupid things and just sit down and read it. So I did.

I finished it this morning. 

After that awesome ending I couldn't just stop. I immediately went on the search for Catching Fire. But I can't find a copy anywhere!! Everything at the library is checked out or being held. The online downloads that the library gives you access to requires a pin that I don't have because I use my library card about once a year and don't know any of the new updates. My little brother's copy is buried somewhere mysterious. Calling to friends failed.

I am desperate for a copy!

What a steal!

Today I decided that it was time to go buy some more shirts to add to my lacking wardrobe.

I decided that Rue 21 was the place to go. I really love some of the things they sell there.

AND if you do it just right you get it for cheap.

Well I've been wanting to buy some black rimmed glasses for a while and they had some. So I bought them. Along with a couple wallets.

So total I walked out of that store with 2 shirts, 2 undershirts, 2 wallets, and a pair of glasses...
It was all under 30 dollars. The feeling of accomplishment I had while walking out of the store was so fulfilling!



Well I was modeling my glasses around my house for my own pleasure (nobody else is home). I walked passed the mirror and realized these glasses must be made "One Size Fits All" because I what I saw in the mirror was a little ten year old who just put on her father's glasses.

Growing up.

So tonight was a big night for my little brother. He went to his junior prom. He did go to prom last year. While half of his friends could go but didn't want to, he decided he was going to ask a senior who had never been to a boys choice dance. He is just such a sweetie. Anyway, it's not his first prom but it is still exciting... This year he took his girlfriend. *Note: This young lady is his first ever* Just thinking about it makes me happy.

For spring cleaning my mother is organizing her storage room. Oh dear, let me tell you, it is full of so many of the little things that we bring home and think we will use in the future but never do... Example: All the different elementary school projects that each child made. Most of which shouldn't decorate the house longer than a year. Oh and fun fact! Before 5 o'clock this afternoon my mother was in possession of every single New Era made in history. Est. 1971. Some of those babies were hilarious!          But I definitely think this was one of my favorites. 

My mom and I also discovered a couple other treasures in our efforts. I have often heard my mom tell stories about how social she was back in high school but today I witnessed the evidence of it. In one of the boxes my mom found her old high school photo album/scrapbook It contained certificates, ticket stubs, the works of memorabilia etc. Well there is one story I have heard of my mom at the Sadie Hawkins's dance. They had a hitching post one year for her school and my mom definitely lived up to the Mormon stereotype that year. Everybody went stag so it wasn't like she was being a home wrecker so to speak but she definitely got around. I've heard a few different numbers but today finalized it. That night my mom married 14 different times... kissed them all. This is a picture of all her rings and certificates. The rings that don't have certificates were repeat gentlemen. They had to renew their vows... hehehe  Anyway, I also learned a fun fact. My mom went through 6 boyfriends in one year during high school. I don't know about you but I was caught off guard. I don't think I've even had that many boyfriends ever.    
The things we learn about our parents can completely change our perspective.

Last words

*I wrote this for a job application so that explains my vocabulary but I put down a couple deep thoughts that I find intriguing. So here you go*

           I was recently watching the television show entitled How I Met Your Mother. In the particular episode I was watching Marshall, one of the main characters, loses his hero; his father. He suffered from a heart attack. Throughout the whole episode the whole episode Marshall tries to remember what his father’s last words were. His friends try to cheer him up by saying that he and his dad had a good relationship so if his last words weren’t amazing, it was alright. When Marshall asked each one of his friends what their last words were with their fathers they all tasted a bit of what he was going through.

            This got me thinking about what my last words will be. Living is a normal thing to us. We each experience it every day. Every now and then we pass a thought to the idea of death but I wouldn’t say that death is normal for any of us to constantly worry about; we focus our efforts on living. Sometimes we come become so caught up in living we don’t stop to think about the reality of what we say. The episode of How I Met Your Mother didn’t get me thinking about death exactly but what we are remembered for. Granted, walking around with a heart full of hugs, telling everyone I care for only of how much they mean to me might be a bit of an extreme.

            After thinking about this I have decided that I need to be a bit more aware of what I am saying. I can begin improving my conversation in my day to day. Instead of passively asking a friend how they are, truly be interested. I think something like this could be started with simply wishing somebody to have a good morning, day, or afternoon. I can keep a constant reminder thought in the back of my head, “What can I say that I know I won’t regret?” In the worst case scenario I want to at least be remembered for being at least pleasant and considerate, not nasty or self-fish.

Jumping on the bandwagon

Well to all you who are like me and love stories, I have decided that it is about time.

I am ready to fall in love with this one.

Laughterful

Last week I was filling out a job application. I reached one part where it asked me to list 5 words that I felt described me best. I was having a seriously hard time thinking of good ones, mostly because I didn't want to put a bunch of generic words. They have to get a real taste for who I am in these words.

I really wanted to write something down that pertained to how easily I am humored but couldn't think of any one word. I didn't want to put humorous because this entails being funny. I do have a hard time being serious and I have gotten a couple chuckles out of friends every now and then but I would not consider myself humorous. There were a few more of these words that applied to being humored but nothing that I was looking for.

After stewing for a while I invented a new word.
     Laughterful (adj) def. 1. Having lots of laughter bottled up inside oneself. 2. Easily humored.
Unfortunately for the sake of professionalism I refrained from writing it down. But oh how I wanted to put it down.

I like to think that I have started a few trends in my life and this is my new one.
Challenge: Use the word laughterful in regular conversation at least three times this week.
This new word describing my condition will be patented some day.

Not Broken!

*Sorry I don't always talk about boys. It's just really easy to vent through writing.*

I remembered why I was so smitten by John!
He was the nicest guy I had ever met. He was just such a sweetie and that really slew me.
I'm not broken! Since then I have met a number of gentlemen who are just as nice if not more.
It is not a bad thing that I don't have the same feelings as before.

In the past few days I have decided that my interest in John might have been desperation for the feeling of being wanted.
This can apply to so many different scenarios. People don't be stupid. Let your mind put things in a different perspective before you do anything that you might regret. It might take a few days.

I think I might be broken

I am so confused.

To understand my confusion you need to hear a story.

Once upon a time... almost three years ago... I met a young man. We'll call him John. I know you have all heard songs that talk about being smitten from the first conversation you have with someone. Well I don't know how many of you have experienced this but I definitely have.
From the very start this guy made me all blubbery. I felt sheepish and at a loss of words. I got excited inside every time I saw him. Any time there was a chance I would see him. Anyway. We spent time together. Had some fantastic times on my front porch where we just talked for hours.

After a while we started seeing less of each other. Almost to the point where I thought I had moved on. I became involved with a different guy and John started getting ready to serve a mission. A couple months before  John left I saw him again and all the feelings I thought were gone came rushing back. I decided that John would always be that one guy that would have a part of me. That was the last time I saw him before he left.

A little while after John had left, I was talking with a mutual acquaintance. She said that she had written him and suggested I should too. I seriously considered it. Where was the harm? So I did. The first time I opened my mail box to find John's reply, I just about died. I gave Chelsey and Kelsey a call and we freaked out about it for a while. This is how almost every letter opening proceeded for the next year.
After a while though it was just like I was writing my older brother. When I would see John's letters in the mail I would get a pleasant smile, and sometimes I would get real excited just because it was a great pick-me-up in the middle of a stressful week, but I didn't make any phone calls or get butterflies.

Then two months ago reality hit; John's two years were just about up. I didn't know what to expect. What was going to happen when he got home? I hadn't felt anything for him in over a year. I currently had my eye on another guy, Pete, and I really wanted to see if that would go somewhere. I was scared once John got home I would forget all about Pete and I didn't want to.

When John did get home he called me up and asked me on a date. To be honest, when he came to pick me up I was in my bedroom convincing myself that everything would be fine. And it was. We went on our date. It was lots of fun. Not too awkward. I definitely wasn't head over heels for John the way I had been before his mission. I actually didn't feel any spark of interest.

My liking of Pete continued and grew. He and I went on a couple dates. As I started looking back at how past crushes played out, I decided that maybe I was coming on too strong. This whole time I was considering John. Interest was growing. I decided that I would just go with whatever happened

This brings us to about a week ago. The semester was coming to a close and I was moving home. Pete went out of state for a summer job. I now live at home and three blocks away from John. This last weekend opportunities presented themselves and I am going with it. But I am scared I'm not ready.

Life in a song

I've come to the sad conclusion that I worry way too much about my love life.

But here is a song that pretty much summarizes where I am with life in general.

Social life

You know that moment when you find out you get to spend time with that someone you are interested in?

I don't know about you but I just about explode with excitement.

I have been containing that excitement inside me for a few days now.

Then today happened. 

I looked at my calendar and realized that it's going to have to be postponed.

Reality Check.

Trina, you a are a busy college student. 

Having a social life is not allowed.

Sometimes I really hate being busy.

Testing center proposal

I heard a genius idea today.

Background before I tell you.

There is a wonderful testing center here at BYU. The workers are super encouraging. You turn your test in. Go down some stairs. Stare at a monitor until your score pops up. If your score is above a 90%, you get a wonderful note next to the score saying, "Way to go!" or "Congratulations!"

When you happen to do that well, you read those couple words and get a rush of self-gratification.
Unfortunately that doesn't happen all the time. Hardly ever. Well at least for me.

Today I heard this wonderful idea. For all those who get below a 60% the Testing Center should put something like, "Jesus still loves you" next to the score.

Amen to that.

Happy Memories

I was just posting Natalie's most recent email to her blog when I decided to start perusing. 

I found a wonderful gem that I had forgotten about. 

This is Richard, Natalie and I. We act like dorks sometimes but what do you expect... 

We're siblings.

Enjoy.

Taking on the Challenge

Rules
1. Post rules of game so no one gets lost.
2. Post a photo and 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer questions that were given you by tagger.
4. Ask some questions for those you tag to answer.
5. Tag some people to do this all over again.

Me visiting my parents grave...
If you can't tell by the dates, they are still alive.

Random Facts

1. I have a strange obsession with eating tortilla shells plain.

2. Since I started my job, I've made a habit of jumping out of bed in a panic in the middle of the night. Half the time I am still asleep. It really freaked my rommate out when it first started happening.

3. I have never read the Hunger Games.

4. On occasion I'll stop dead in my tracks while walking across campus. Stand for a minute or two. Then either change directions or continue the way I'm going. I'm indecisive and sometimes can't decide if I really want to go where I am going.

5. I do not sneeze like a girl.

6.  I hate scary movies. 

7. I have webbed toes.

8. I am no good at video games.

9. When I think I bother somebody, I want to get in their face and ask them why.

10.  When I get excited about my ideas I jump around.

11. I love dogs. I prefer those that are bigger than a rugby ball.

Early worm or night owl?

• Early worm. This definitely makes my ridiculous job schedule a little bit easier.

Celebrity crush?

• Oooh  I couldn't possibly give one answer for this one. Gerard Butler, Josh Turner, & Hugh Jackman :}

Favorite book(s)?

• Great Expectations, Sense and Sensibility, the Goose Girl series

What's your perfect day?

• Pleasantly warm outside. My whole family would somehow miraculously be in the same place at the same time. Of course we would have to eat a yummy dinner that included a bean salad and a macaroni salad.

Favorite memory?

• I have a terrible memory. So I can only think of a few. This is one is from a few summers back. I was up in Montana at my grandma's cabin. One afternoon I didn't have anything to do and I was feeling adventurous. I decided to hike the mountainous hill next to the cabin. The view at the top was seriously breathtaking. I could see the whole area in a way I had never before. It felt like I was on top of the world.

Which house would you be sorted into?

• Hufflepuff. Loyal, dedicated, hard working, all about fair play... Definitely.

Braids or ponytails?

• Braids. They are the thing I missed most when I chopped my hair off.

If you could be any age, what would it be & why?

• 70. I want to see what I'm like as a grandma.

How do you like your eggs?

• In a hole. With syrup. But they can't be even the slightest bit runny... gross.

Dream job?

• I would be in a symphony that recorded the music for movies.

If you could say one thing to the world, what would it be?

• Everything will work out. It always does.

                                                                        My questions.

1. If you could re-live one event in your life, what would it be?

2. Do you like tomatoes? Why or Why not?

3. What is the one movie that gets you crying the most?

4. Where is the most interesting place you've been?

Ex. Stuck in a closet with a fish.
A phone booth in England

5. What was your favorite childhood game?

6. What is the weirdest food you made in your kitchen?

7. What is one thing that drives you up the wall?

8. If you had the chance to live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Have fun.

Cam & Kenzie, Chelsey, Leann, Melissa & Jared

A few of my favorites

I don't care what you say.

I have the cutest nieces and nephew.

Meet William, Elizabeth and Juliette.

William. One of my best friends.
I would gladly have one of my own just like him:}

This is Elizabeth. What a stinkin cutie!!
At first she is shy... but then she's not.
I love her.

And the newest addition, Juliette.
Kenzie and I gave her her very first nickname when we met.
Bugsee.
She's grown into her eyeballs since then...

What are we to do when faced with decisions?

In my experience I'm not very good at doing this on my own. I like second opinions. Sometimes I will ask just about anybody, just as long as they are an acquaintance of mine. 

One thing I do know is that I make the best decisions when I ask for advice from Heavenly Father.

Well a few days back I was faced with, what I thought, a decision that had to be made right away. It concerns men. Like always. (If you can't tell, I was the little girl on the who loved just about any boy I saw running around the playground. If you get tired of my constant rants, I apologize.) Well as I was freaking about knowing what to do, I was told by a few different friends and reassured by the Lord that I don't need to worry about it right now. I didn't want to have to choose... but right now I don't have to.

The answer was simple. Usually is... If you ever think you have a huge predicament and need help with it, ask our Father in Heaven. His answers are always the right way to do things.

It's about time

Well I've decided that I should post again soon so that you don't loose too much interest...

Today I just plan on leaving you with some wise words. Some are not my own.

So a couple weeks back I tried to temporarily dye my hair dark brown but with my blonde underneath it just kind of looked green... Gross. Then I washed it once and the color washed a couple shades lighter. Of brown green. Not exactly what I expected.
I was furious with the Lady I had dye it. She is the sweetest lady but also very opinionated. So whenever I go to get my hair done I end up walking out with more of what she wants on my hair than what I want. The only reason I continue to go to her is because I get an awesome deal. Not having tons of money to throw around this gives me the definite incentive to return.
After this time around I have decided that I will not be returning to have her dye my hair. Maybe for trims but not for color.
I was so angry after I washed my hair that I went out and bought a box color (I know they are really unhealthy for your hair but I was desperate and irate) so that I could do it myself.
I got all the materials I needed, minus the gloves. I didn't think it would be too bad.

Wrong.

When I was all finished my hair was beautiful... my hands? Not so much. They were almost black. I spent the next 24 hours scrubbing my hands with baking soda, lemon juice, and dish soap. It worked but it was a long process.

If you ever buy box color make sure gloves are included or go buy some.



My next words of wisdom is directed more toward the romantics.
         There is a man that I love. His name is Josh Turner. Beautiful face. Beautiful deep singing voice.  And also quite a few years older than I. But I like to imagine that one day I'll marry him.
Anyway I was listening to Pandora today and his song was on. Of course I start paying attention to the lyrics. They were adorably cute. All men should take the song as advice. I guess ladies can too and just swap the roles of the song... Anyway.

Some men dream of crossing oceans

Some men dream one day to fly

Spend their whole lives out there floating on the water and the sky

Some men dream of building fortunes

Some men dream of having fame

Nothing else is more important then making money and a name

but, in my dreams I see a little sky blue house

beside a small stream.

A front porch, a screen door,

The sound of bare feet running and cartoons.

In my dreams, your dreams come true.

I come find you in your garden

Pulling weeds between the rows

Trade a kiss for a glass of water

Sit and watch what love can grow

 In my dreams I see a little sky blue house

beside a small stream.

A front porch, a screen door,

The sound of bare feet running and cartoons.

In my dreams, your dreams come true.

In my dreams, your dreams are the only things that really matter to me

When you smile, I smile

What makes you happy, makes me happy too

In my dreams your dreams come true

Lately

I've been trying to spend less time sitting in front of my computer wasting time. Result? I don't blog for a week and a half.

Well pretty much this last week I have been tired. I've been in such a bouncy mood. But still tired. 

Yesterday I almost fell asleep while getting my planters warts worked on.

I turned my alarm clock off and slept until 3:53. A.M. Just a reminder, I have to be to work at 4. Ya, problem. I was only about thirty minutes late. 

Then at about 2:00 today I decided it was time for a nap. I konked on one of the Richard's building benches and I woke up to find I had drooled on my backpack... Yummy. 

On a more lady-like note, I've started putting make-up on again. Mainly because I want to quit looking like a sweaty, disgusting mess when I get to a certain dance class, where, I get to dance and flirt with a certain cute boy.

On the dating spectrum, I have two friends who are setting me up on blind dates. That should be lots of fun. I am going to have to try not to say anything stupid or awkward... Unfortunately I'm really good at it.

I also got a letter in the mail from Natalie:} I was really super excited! She loves me.

And that is pretty much it. Have a wonderful week.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Today is a special day. Not because I have a special someone. Because I don't. There is no young man who will surprise me with flowers today. I won't be getting chocolates or kisses but that doesn't matter.

Valentine's Day is a day we celebrate love. There is the message that says Valentine's day is a day to celebrate the love of your one and only. But you should realize that he or she is not the only person who loves you. You have parents, siblings, friends, teachers, and neighbors who love you. You receive love from so many different people, that if you could counted them all, you might be surprised. 

But there are times when the ability to find somebody who loves you is just about impossible. It is not true. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you perfectly and unconditionally.

So whether you are celebrating Valentine's day or Single's awareness day, do not convince yourself that today is just a reminder that you are unloved. 

And don't forget to let those you love, that you love them. 

If you want a quick smile you should go check out Google's theme today. google.com

Socially Dead

When I moved, I planned on my social life improving.

Unfortunately the only thing that has changed is my address.                  I'm still antisocial.

It was only on this fine Friday evening while making meatloaf that I realized this. 

       Last weekend all I did was watch movies, do homework and feasted on food.

              And that is exactly how the weekend before that went.

Besides making a corsage for my little brothers date tomorrow night and going to a wedding reception, this weekend is going to be practically identical.

But to be honest, I'm not too bummed about it. 

At the moment I think my life is full and wonderful just the way it is.

Quote.

Ladies and Gentlemen,
I've found a new favorite quote. This struck me. It needs to be more than a quote. From now on this will be my new creed. What I will live by. What will come to mind if I ever question what I should do or how I should act. If I truly adopt this wholly, I will draw closer to my Heavenly Father than I have ever been.



“Women of God can never be like women of the world.
The world has enough women who are tough; we need
women who are tender.  There are enough women who
are coarse; we need women who are kind.  There are
enough women who are rude; we need women who are
refined.  We have enough women of fame and fortune;
we need more women of faith.  We have enough greed;
we need more goodness.  We have enough vanity; we
need more virtue. We have enough popularity; we need
more purity."
              -Margaret Nadauld

Cold? No, thank you.

Well cyber world I decided that it was time to show my existence again.

Words from the Wise:
If you know that you have to get up heinously early the next morning but your laundry isn't getting done because you keep forgetting to switch it, push the pause button on finishing your laundry. Your sleep shouldn't be compromised.

Let's just say I compromised and it wasn't a very smart thing to do. I texted my supervisor Sunday night @ 11:00 p.m. saying I wouldn't be coming in for work the next morning because I wasn't feeling well. That was a little white lie. I didn't want to text him, "Hey so I was stupid and didn't decide to go to bed till just now. If I come into work tomorrow morning, I'll only be getting 4 hours of sleep tonight. For the sake of my body needing rest, I'm not going to come in." I went to bed that night restless. I couldn't just lie like that because I honestly felt fine. But I set my alarm for 7 anyway.

Of course my body would not let it be though. I woke up the next morning at 4:15 thinking, "I wasn't going to go in but I feel fine. I'm just being a big baby. If I go in, I'll only be 30 minutes late." So I did.

By Monday afternoon my nose began getting the itchy feeling it gets right before I get a cold. Spectacular. In hopes I could ward it off, I had a whole can of vegetable soup for dinner. Unfortunately it didn't work.

A few days later, in the brunt of my sickness, I truly wasn't feeling well and did want to text in sick but I knew I couldn't this time.

This weekend in my attempts to get better, I've stayed at home, drinking all the fluids possible. I've gotten a bit better but so I can truly smack this cold in the bum, I'm staying home from church so that I can sleep.

Crash.

Like I have said in the past, I ride a bike named Goose.

Well today He and I had an adventure.

We were riding along when I accidently drove off the rode into the gutter.

Usually this isn't really a problem... but it's been raining today.

Let's just say I flew forward and got very dirty.

Oh and I should mention I had like 15 eye witnesses.

It's already been an interesting week...

I'm behind on my homework reading.
I have been having minor stressed to relaxed mood swings.
I've started showering in the evenings.
I finished my paper two days before it was due and had time to take it into the Writing Center to ask for
       pointers.
I made a mass batch of waffles last week and I've had waffles with every meal since.
Earlier today I put a pot water on the stove to boil. After ten minutes and having unboiled water, I went to
       check to see if the stove was really on and realized that I had turned on the wrong burner.
For lunch I had some of my roommates leftover pasta salad and then when I got home, she had thrown it away
       because it had been in the fridge for a while.
I took a nap this morning. First one this semester!

I'm excited to see how the next four days go.



I am going on a date this Saturday to the basketball game:} I am just kind of excited.

Roommate bonding

This weekend is the first weekend since I've moved into Allred, that I have actually been home.
It's not that I wanted to be gone... I just was.

Well it's 1:20 in the morning so I won't go too in depth but one of my roommates and I had some great bonding time tonight with my roommate Kelley.

We were discussing what we wanted to watch, when we saw on Netflix BBC's season 1 of Sherlock. I knew season 2 came out this year so Kelley perused the internet to find it.

Basically we had a Sherlock season 2 marathon.



It was fantastic.

Farewell

This weekend was more than just a weekend.

It was more than just three day vacation from school.

It was more than just pay day.

It was more than a memorial for civil rights. 

It's a memory I will always remember.

This weekend was Natalie's last weekend in the United States for the next 18 months.

It's one of my memories I will call on when I begin missing her beyond belief.

Nothing too monumental happened but it was a great farewell weekend.



Friday night:

• Natalie picked me up from Provo.
• We made our way to Dominos to buy two fantastic Pizzas.
• Drove around Provo searching for Mom's credit card. 
• Went back to Dominos.
• Headed back to PG.
• Watched the Switch.

Saturday: 

• Slept in.
• Went grocery shopping.
• Did some homework.
• Went and shot a russian sniper rifle and an AK47.
• Ate unbelievable amounts of food.

Sunday:

• Natalie's farewell talk.
• Cried during the closing hymn.
• Played life.
• Ate more food.

Monday:

• Folded laundry.
• Went out for Macey's ice cream.
• Had a Jurassic Park marathon.
• Made a down payment for some fantastic cowboy boots.
• Watched the Switch again.

But I never gave her a hug goodbye so it looks like I'm going with my parents to drive her to the airport.

Tears are necessary sometimes

You know I could write this blog as if my life were perfect.
I could only ever talk about things that are good that happen to me but then it wouldn't be true to it's name.
A simple life doesn't mean that it's a PERFECT life. It's still life.

People say that you shouldn't focus on the bad. You should try to only see the good.
I've been guilty of saying it. But you can't ignore the hard stuff forever. So this is me telling you how I smacked it right in the face. It's still there but I've given it a piece of my mind and I will show that I will keep on living.
This might be a little scattered but that's how my thoughts are so...

Remember how I made my decision to cut my credit hours this semester from 17.5 to 13.5? Probably one of the smartest things I've done in the last couple of weeks.

Since school started last week I've been stressed.
During the day I've been trying my best to be the best student I can be.
My dance teachers have been throwing dance routines and combinations at me so fast, that the fact that I'm keeping up is a miracle.

I eat breakfast at 3:45ish. Lunch at 9. Then dinner at 3.
Every evening when I get home I am so exhausted I just want to collapse on my bed and sleep for 10 hours.
But every evening I start thinking about everything I have to do, handling my new job as SDEO secretary, all my homework, what groceries I'm going to buy, am I going to have enough for rent, and the fact that I have to wake up at 3 the next morning.

Then I remember that everything close to me isn't close at all. A week ago my apartment was a complete stranger to me. I don't live with wonderfully familiar faces anymore. Cam and Kenzie are potentially moving far away. My sweet little brother, who would rather hang out with me than his friends, can't just walk into my room and listen to me vent whenever I need it. He lives 30 minutes away. All the people who love me most, are far away. And the person I usually rely on to keep me thinking realistically, is going on a mission halfway around the world.

Every night I get stressed and anxious about life and I feel like no matter what I tell myself, it won't work. The only bit of crying I've been doing has been a couple tears in my bed or while writing in my journal.

Then last night happened.
Todd and I were trying to practice our routines when he asked, "You're a mess aren't you?"
I broke down and bawled my eyes out. I talked to Todd about my frustrations. About how much I hate my work hours. How I'm sure I would be doing fine if I weren't waking up so early. (Todd has worked the exact same job so he understands.)

Later I decided it was time to call Mom and talk to her about life.
***Just FYI mom's are wonderful. I'm so grateful to have Carrolee as mine.***
She knew just what I needed. She let me explode and then she comforted. Then she talked reason helping to calm me down. I'm no longer trying to convince myself that I can do this. She reminded me that I can. Talking to her has helped so much.

I'm still stressed but I'm no longer trying to say I'm not. I know that through Heavenly Father, I can conquer this semester.

I applied for a summer job up in Alaska last night. Just so I can get out of Utah. I also applied for two others alternate jobs for the semester to give myself options.

I also decided to call in sick this morning to work. I might not have a cold or the flu but I definitely was sick for a break. I'm starting over today. I woke up at 6:45. Showered. Did homework. Ate lunch. (I missed breakfast while sleeping.) Then baked potatoes for dinner this afternoon.

I can do this.