Arachni-deathicus

Please excuse if there is incorrect grammar at all but it is 2:00 in the morning.

I was watching a movie on my laptop at the time. 1:00 a.m. Probably a good time to go get ready for bed. 

I went to the bathroom and began brushing my teeth. Rinsed. Spit.

Moved onto the flossing ritual. Brush fluoride onto my teeth then floss it in between.

I go to throw away the floss and notice that the trash can is overflowing. I pull it out to get all the strays off the floor and into the can when I see it.

Pretty much the second largest spider I've seen crawling around my house. The first was in my garage and I think the only reason it looked so big was because it was carrying it's millions of babies on it's back. 

Anyway.

It was at least an inch and a quarter when spread out. Not lying. 

I should probably tell you my philosophy on spiders. 

Outside: Great. Perfect. That's where they belong. Occasionally I might torment one for kicks but I generally let them be.

Inside: Size. Color. Location. Doesn't matter. It is getting squished, flushed, washed down a drain or vacuumed. Nothing can make me agree to let it stay.

Washing down the drain

Super easy. You open the shower curtain and see the thing unable to climb out of the tub and you just turn on the faucet. Close off the tub drain for a while till you feel sure the spider hasn't decided to try again.

Vacuuming the sucker up

Also easy. Depending on how nervous the specimen makes you can vary the length of attachment. You turn the vacuum on. Suck it up and then leave it on until you are sure the vacuum has imploded the creepy crawly. The debby downer of this one is the prep time. Going to fetch the vacuum gives the bug time to make it's escape. Wouldn't want that.

Squishing

Debatable to be one of the hardest methods. If the spider is on the floor you just have to drop something heavy on it. If it's on the wall? Not as easy. You risk the spider falling onto the ground/carpet resulting in losing it. And you also have to get close to it. The thought of it getting on my hand just gives me the shivers.

Flushing

Hardest with few exceptions. I only revert to this method after I've ruled out being able to grab the vacuum and the haunting sound of it's crunch are to much to handle. This usually entails grabbing more toilet paper than necessary and lightly pinching it between your fingers. Again hoping with all your being it doesn't escape and climb onto your hand. Running to the bathroom and violently tossing and flushing almost in sync.

Well for tonight's encounter my first instinct was to get Richard to squish it. He had only gone to bed a couple minutes before so I wouldn't be waking him up. After begging him for a few minutes I lost because he was too comfortable and in all reality as terrified as I am.

Considering it hadn't moved at all since I discovered it, vacuuming it came to mind. I ran upstairs grabbed our longest extension and prepared myself.

In the first two seconds the spider lost the war. I sucked up it's unbelievable area (Surprised it had gone so long unnoticed). Then walked out a champion. 

I should tell you. About a month ago I was reading on my bed when baby spiders came out from the gap under the window sill. Squished and Vacuumed. The worst though is only two weeks ago I got two spider bites while asleep. The thought of one big enough for those bites is nasty. After tonight I wish with all my heart that my dad would've paid to get our house sprayed.