The problem with roommates.

If you fart you are at risk of her walking in right after... Embarrassing.



On a more serious note, the reality of adding more time to when I can see Natalie again just hit.
Missing her isn't hard to medicaid but there are those few days when I start thinking about time and it all seems like it's going to last an eternity.

I'm a fish trying to climb a tree

 

 Well world, it's time for a little bit of honesty from myself. This last week has been a rough one. I was doubting all sorts of things and I was just struggling to remember how to be myself.

I'm not sure how many of you have experienced this but it's discouraging. 

Normally I'm a fairly cheery person. I am confident with myself. If I don't succeed in a class/test, I shake it off. "I did my best and that's all I can do."

I have a pretty good idea for how it started.

I have a class that I don't completely understand. World Civilization 202. The whole class is based off of discussion and thinking deeply about why certain things happen. The problem is that the professors way of teaching and my way of processing information are completely opposite of each other. The teacher just talks and talks during class. He doesn't create any real structure or clear connection of anything. All the information just blends together and I never know what to write down. So in class the other day we were asked to turn to our neighbor and explain why we thought a culture didn't test to see whether air flowed through our veins or if it was blood (All having to do with the discovery that the heart was a double valved pump). I thought hard why and turned to the guy next to me and told him. His response made me feel like I belonged at the front of the class with a dunce cap on. It was seriously degrading and I didn't want to be sitting there next to him any longer. As a result that was all I could think of for the rest of class. That's all I have been able to think about since. It has eaten at me. Has been the foundation for thoughts like, "I'm sick of being a disappointment to my Dad," or "I don't belong in college. I'm not advanced enough in my thinking."

I know that the fact that I'm thinking these things isn't because of that young man. It's because of Satan. He saw an opportunity to pull me down and he got me good. I have never gotten this confused with myself. 

It was even worse because I would look at how I felt in the last week then compare it to how I normally am. I felt as if I had forgotten how to be me. 

I think I became lax in my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and that's how I  was caught off guard. I can't let this happen to me ever again because it's miserable. 

In my distress I've prayed to my Heavenly Father and I am working on becoming Katrina again.

Brian Nigel Cook

This last week one of my best friends passed away. The autopsy report said there was no cause of death. His heart just stopped. Heavenly Father called him on a mission to mexico but He decided He needed Brian sooner. I would try to say a few words but Chelsey almost summed up everything. I'll just add a bit more.

Brian,
I love you like a brother. For an awkward time in high school I loved you more than that. We were an awkward bunch but we made the best memories. I still think about that awkward time at the door... nothing happened because I freaked out. After it all we stayed friends. I can't express how grateful I am that you were in my life. Nothing can compare to the memories we made. Like when we sat in the HBLL "doing homework" just talking. We both knew we weren't going to get any homework done because I love talking too much.
Brian I always thought you'd be a perfect General Authority but I guess your call was for much higher things. I look forward to seeing you again.
Love, Katrina

Farewell

This weekend was more than just a weekend.

It was more than just three day vacation from school.

It was more than just pay day.

It was more than a memorial for civil rights. 

It's a memory I will always remember.

This weekend was Natalie's last weekend in the United States for the next 18 months.

It's one of my memories I will call on when I begin missing her beyond belief.

Nothing too monumental happened but it was a great farewell weekend.



Friday night:

• Natalie picked me up from Provo.
• We made our way to Dominos to buy two fantastic Pizzas.
• Drove around Provo searching for Mom's credit card. 
• Went back to Dominos.
• Headed back to PG.
• Watched the Switch.

Saturday: 

• Slept in.
• Went grocery shopping.
• Did some homework.
• Went and shot a russian sniper rifle and an AK47.
• Ate unbelievable amounts of food.

Sunday:

• Natalie's farewell talk.
• Cried during the closing hymn.
• Played life.
• Ate more food.

Monday:

• Folded laundry.
• Went out for Macey's ice cream.
• Had a Jurassic Park marathon.
• Made a down payment for some fantastic cowboy boots.
• Watched the Switch again.

But I never gave her a hug goodbye so it looks like I'm going with my parents to drive her to the airport.

Tears are necessary sometimes

You know I could write this blog as if my life were perfect.
I could only ever talk about things that are good that happen to me but then it wouldn't be true to it's name.
A simple life doesn't mean that it's a PERFECT life. It's still life.

People say that you shouldn't focus on the bad. You should try to only see the good.
I've been guilty of saying it. But you can't ignore the hard stuff forever. So this is me telling you how I smacked it right in the face. It's still there but I've given it a piece of my mind and I will show that I will keep on living.
This might be a little scattered but that's how my thoughts are so...

Remember how I made my decision to cut my credit hours this semester from 17.5 to 13.5? Probably one of the smartest things I've done in the last couple of weeks.

Since school started last week I've been stressed.
During the day I've been trying my best to be the best student I can be.
My dance teachers have been throwing dance routines and combinations at me so fast, that the fact that I'm keeping up is a miracle.

I eat breakfast at 3:45ish. Lunch at 9. Then dinner at 3.
Every evening when I get home I am so exhausted I just want to collapse on my bed and sleep for 10 hours.
But every evening I start thinking about everything I have to do, handling my new job as SDEO secretary, all my homework, what groceries I'm going to buy, am I going to have enough for rent, and the fact that I have to wake up at 3 the next morning.

Then I remember that everything close to me isn't close at all. A week ago my apartment was a complete stranger to me. I don't live with wonderfully familiar faces anymore. Cam and Kenzie are potentially moving far away. My sweet little brother, who would rather hang out with me than his friends, can't just walk into my room and listen to me vent whenever I need it. He lives 30 minutes away. All the people who love me most, are far away. And the person I usually rely on to keep me thinking realistically, is going on a mission halfway around the world.

Every night I get stressed and anxious about life and I feel like no matter what I tell myself, it won't work. The only bit of crying I've been doing has been a couple tears in my bed or while writing in my journal.

Then last night happened.
Todd and I were trying to practice our routines when he asked, "You're a mess aren't you?"
I broke down and bawled my eyes out. I talked to Todd about my frustrations. About how much I hate my work hours. How I'm sure I would be doing fine if I weren't waking up so early. (Todd has worked the exact same job so he understands.)

Later I decided it was time to call Mom and talk to her about life.
***Just FYI mom's are wonderful. I'm so grateful to have Carrolee as mine.***
She knew just what I needed. She let me explode and then she comforted. Then she talked reason helping to calm me down. I'm no longer trying to convince myself that I can do this. She reminded me that I can. Talking to her has helped so much.

I'm still stressed but I'm no longer trying to say I'm not. I know that through Heavenly Father, I can conquer this semester.

I applied for a summer job up in Alaska last night. Just so I can get out of Utah. I also applied for two others alternate jobs for the semester to give myself options.

I also decided to call in sick this morning to work. I might not have a cold or the flu but I definitely was sick for a break. I'm starting over today. I woke up at 6:45. Showered. Did homework. Ate lunch. (I missed breakfast while sleeping.) Then baked potatoes for dinner this afternoon.

I can do this.

Wise advice.

I've made a New Years' Resolution to be a good student this semester.

I'm going to do it.

But 12 hours ago I was planning on taking 17.5 credit hours, working 20 hours a week at unreasonable hours, get not so much sleep...

Then something happened. A class I was auditioning for was moved. It was now right in the middle of a 4 credit hour class I was taking. I then spent hours trying to rearrange my schedule but nothing was working.

I've been calm and not stressed all day but the confusion of trying to figure out my classes was the breaking point. My stress level skyrocketed.

I asked a friend of mine, who's a Junior, about it. "Should I try to take a different class or should I try to get the same class?" She gave me the best advice.

"Why not just take it easy for a semester?"

As I thought about it, I realized it was a wise idea. I'm trying to get in the habit of being a good student. I'm working from 4am-8am, five days a week. I'm stressing to coordinate with my dance partner for practice time. I'm taking hours of dance classes that I need to take this semester.
With it all I'm going to be exhausted. Overloading myself wouldn't help at all.

I'm going to do it. My mishap today might be a blessing in disguise. Or it might be a big mistake. But like Lily from "How I met your mother" says, "It's a mistake I have to make."

3 Weeks

Life has happened.

Highlights.
*I witnessed a bird commit suicide. The next day I learned my teacher gave him a funeral.
*I've prioritized and stopped doing half my reading assignments. Something has to be sacrificed if I want to stay sane.
*I'm now employed.
*I've learned of a halfway nocturnal species of human walking BYU campus. AM custodial.
*I've started daydreaming about and hoping to be able to move closer to campus.
*I've learned that I'm leading a certain boy on and I don't have to say yes to a date again. Don't know exactly how that will go.
*We made 27 pies for Thanksgiving.
*My nieces and nephews came to visit. Oh along with my brother and sister-in-law.
*Natalie went through the temple for the first time.
*There is now a 12 foot Christmas tree standing in my parents house with a little help of a ladder and a tall sister-in-law.
*I realized that I'm so stupid when it comes to liking boys. I'm always falling for the ones who have at least 20 girls who have already called dibs.
*After a perfect date, I've gone on such an exciting emotional roller coaster, that now I don't care if I die a spinster.
*Black Friday has made a major dent in my pocket. I've bettered my wardrobe a bit.
*This semester is almost over.
*I went on a blind date and didn't die.
*The W-4 tax form has confused me.
*A letter came in the mail stamped with the same stamps that I buy. PIXAR. Love.

Hope your past couple of weeks have been grand.

"Life is in session." -The Switch

Hehehe

Music is crazy sometimes.
Well songs are.

I was sitting on my bed just folding my laundry when Pandora decided to play a certain song.
I've heard it a million times and sung it just as many.

But this time was different.
Coincidentally the song applied to my life directly.
                                                     This doesn't happen to me often.

I'm thinking this is just a little way for God to remind me that it's all in his hands. I just have to wait and see how it plays out.

I've listened to it on repeat a few times since.              


                                     Just a few.

Blood drive.

I've always felt obligated to make an effort to donate.

They say that they always need more donations.

So of course, despite the fact that whenever I get a shot, my adrenaline makes me feel like punching whoever is holding the needle, I convince myself I should do it.

I've only actually succeeded in getting in the chair once.

One time I was too light.

All the other times, I wasn't allowed because my mom or play director said I couldn't.

Well yesterday there were signs everywhere.

So I went.

I went in that room very confident with myself.

A poke in the finger.

Two stabs in the arms.

Only 3/4 of a pint of blood.

And

A great passing out story later

I walked out of there with a very full pack of snacks, completely mortified.




I don't think I'm ever going to try again.

Today's happened list.

8:00  Realize that perhaps no plates or napkins were planned for.

9:00  Confirmed.

1:00  Vent to the poor soul who asked me how I was. 

2:00  Write myself a page full of positive motivational notes.

3:00  Tell people to bring plates. 

3:20-3:30  Stand in front of the donuts trying to figure out how many to buy and which kind. 

4:30  Realize that we were actually organized and did plan for plates and napkins. Get slightly dramatic and fall to the floor in the fetal position.

5:00  Eat a light snack and watch the set-up crew put the tables and chairs up wrong.

6:00  Start freaking out because materials for the balloon arches still haven't arrived.

6:50  Get really excited because everything looks fantastic.

7:00  Freak out again because the only thing that is on the food tables is pizza... 

7:20  The food table is full.

7:40  Watch the games start off terribly at first then take a 180* turn.

8:15  Tell everyone they can now go home.

8:20  Clean up and be happy it worked out. Try to convince body to stop stressing.

11:00  Decide that this weekend there will be personal celebration.

He is always there for us

Although I'm exhausted and I feel stressed I have no reason to be.

So you know how I said I had two papers due today? I typed one yesterday and then came to school today and realized I only had one due. Unfortunately it was the one I hadn't finished yet.

But good news I just barely finished it a couple minutes ago. I proofread it at least a million times so that I could improve it from my last two and I'm to a point where I am proud to call it my paper. I don't know how much better my score will be but oh well... it's life.

Now to the main reason why I am blogging today. I really need to get this down now or else I will forget something. I'm sitting in the library right now. Let's hope I can keep this together as I type this.

I started crying during my dance class today.

Reason?
My teacher gave us all blocks and stickers. We had to write on the sticker one of the things that the evil voice in our head tells us when we're feeling down about our dancing. *I can't tell you what I wrote or else I Will start crying.* Once we had it written down we stuck it to our block. Ms. Kathleen then had us dance with it. She had us do a sequence we learned in the past and switch the block from hand to hand.

It is a lot harder than it sounds.

Afterwards she told us how the block represents darkness and in order to put it down but we had to replace it with light. We came up with a statement to replace it and put the block down.

We then danced again not letting the tought into our head.
This is when I started crying.
I was focusing so hard on my light statement that I was messing the sequence up. This made the thought come back into my head. There was no way I could keep it out.

I had to go pick up my block again.

Kathleen asked me what I could do to make sure that it didn't happen again. I gave a good response but I knew that at that moment it wouldn't work for me.

As I was thinking I realized something. I was trying to do it all on my own. I was trying so hard that I was distracting myself from the real purpose, letting go of what was holding us down and just dancing. I was holding myself down even more.

I realized that I couldn't do it on my own. I really only had to tell myself my statment of light and then let it be. In doing that I was letting Christ into my dancing and allowing him to share my burden.

This applies to everything in our lives. We can't try to get rid of the dark things by ourselves. We have to decide what we're going to do and then turn to our Savior and let him help us through. He will always be there for us so long as we let him in.

Please excuse me.

Those links in my last post were slightly obnoxious....

But definitely necessary sometimes.

It was late. I was tired and sick of being stressed.

It's Thursday. I'm am again tired. I have two papers due tomorrow that I really don't want to do right now.

I'm going to ramble because I feel like I worn my sister out with my whining.

I love dancing. That's what I want to be doing right now.

I'm impatient. I want to get better at dancing but feel like I don't have 

the time.

I really want to go on a date.

With somebody my age.

Somebody who is not a creeper.

I should to write a reply letter but don't have time.

I'm in charge of a Halloween party for 200 people.

I really don't want to screw it up.

I need to see my best friends because it's been too long.

I need to get away from a computer and go outside.

Maybe hike the "Y"

I would love a job so I can move out of my grandma's basement.

It would be fantastic if Christmas would come faster

so that I can see my whole family together again.

Sometimes I think that God allowed music to exist just for me.

The topic has nothing to do with my situation

but it just reminds me that everything is going to be alright.

It's life.

Pearl Harbor

I am an extreme movie lover. 

So much so that 

on a Friday night I would rather sit on my bed, 

fold laundry, and watch a movie than to try and find a way to 

get out of the house and celebrate the fact that it's a weekend. 

Anyway. 

This happened tonight. 

I was just folding my laundry, listening to pandora

when a really super fantastic orchestration came on.

Obviously I had to check to see what it was and who or where it came from.

I found this.

I don't know how many of you have seen this movie 

but as of four hours ago I hadn't.

After hearing that song and remember seeing a trailer I decided to watch it.

And let me tell you, I don't recall ever crying so much in a movie.

Ever.

I didn't make it through half the movie before my faucets started up.

It was all down hill from there.

I was full blown sobbing. I had a sweater over my mouth to muffle 

my obnoxious squeaking that I make when I sob, and my sister could still hear me.

I should mention that she was wearing sound proof earbuds.

Embarrassing but kind of a big deal.

This film has officially earned a spot on my list of amazing movies.

Why?

1. It is historically correct.
2. It is inspirational.
3. Reminds me of how lucky and proud I am to call this country home.
4. It has a good plot line. It doesn't matter that it might be a little predictable.
5. The music is, oh my goodness, so incredible.
6. There are things exploding. But only when necessary.
7. The men in it are attractive.
8. When I reached the credits, I ran it back to watch the end a second time.
9. I would watch this movie again no matter how much it made me cry.