Challenge

Do something extra these next two weeks! Serve somebody every day. Do tell. Write Mum a letter and send it to her in the mail. Even if you live 30 minutes away. Or something for yourself. Try a new recipe. Find your place where it can just be you and God. Go have some one on one with Him.
Relax.
Relieve your stress.
Remember life goes on.

The rainbow.

I don't know exactly how the phrase goes but the clouds always clear after a rainstorm.
Although today had it's stressful moments, I left work in such a good mood.
Costa vida for lunch. Not running from patient to patient. Getting out of the office on time. Getting to go dance for the first time in too long :}

I'm happe'

I'm a fish trying to climb a tree

 

 Well world, it's time for a little bit of honesty from myself. This last week has been a rough one. I was doubting all sorts of things and I was just struggling to remember how to be myself.

I'm not sure how many of you have experienced this but it's discouraging. 

Normally I'm a fairly cheery person. I am confident with myself. If I don't succeed in a class/test, I shake it off. "I did my best and that's all I can do."

I have a pretty good idea for how it started.

I have a class that I don't completely understand. World Civilization 202. The whole class is based off of discussion and thinking deeply about why certain things happen. The problem is that the professors way of teaching and my way of processing information are completely opposite of each other. The teacher just talks and talks during class. He doesn't create any real structure or clear connection of anything. All the information just blends together and I never know what to write down. So in class the other day we were asked to turn to our neighbor and explain why we thought a culture didn't test to see whether air flowed through our veins or if it was blood (All having to do with the discovery that the heart was a double valved pump). I thought hard why and turned to the guy next to me and told him. His response made me feel like I belonged at the front of the class with a dunce cap on. It was seriously degrading and I didn't want to be sitting there next to him any longer. As a result that was all I could think of for the rest of class. That's all I have been able to think about since. It has eaten at me. Has been the foundation for thoughts like, "I'm sick of being a disappointment to my Dad," or "I don't belong in college. I'm not advanced enough in my thinking."

I know that the fact that I'm thinking these things isn't because of that young man. It's because of Satan. He saw an opportunity to pull me down and he got me good. I have never gotten this confused with myself. 

It was even worse because I would look at how I felt in the last week then compare it to how I normally am. I felt as if I had forgotten how to be me. 

I think I became lax in my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and that's how I  was caught off guard. I can't let this happen to me ever again because it's miserable. 

In my distress I've prayed to my Heavenly Father and I am working on becoming Katrina again.

Second Interview

School has begun again and I am no longer riding the gravy train at my parents. Moving out = Bills. Textbooks. Rent and Electric. Groceries. There's more but I don't really want to think about it all.
The great thing about it is if you want to pay it all off, you need money. So I started searching for jobs on campus. That was a fail. The only jobs that work for me are early morning/late night custodial. I've had my fill to last me a few years.

It was time to start looking in the neighborhood. Subway. Spoon it up. Shopko. That's as far as I had gotten. Then the last two called me for interviews. EXCITING! It's just an interview but it's a step in the right direction.

Both were on Saturday and both went really well. Unfortunately somebody did better in their interview for Spoon it Up because I didn't get the job. But I did get a second interview at Shopko. For today. At 12:30.
I'm praying with all my heart that it goes well because it's a job and I need one.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Dear Pete

As a friend you told me that you were going to stay unconnected from girls for the summer. I gladly obliged and tried to remain just a friend, not showing too much interest.

Well, Pete, it's no longer summer and I'm first in the line of girls that fills up a whole gym that was waiting for summer to be over.

I will gladly give up my place in line if you would just answer a few questions of mine:

1. Did you really stay unconnected from girls over the summer? Or are high school friends an exception?

2. When you're a real gentleman and you make me feel like a million bucks, is there a little bit of it just for me or is that just what you do for all girls?

3. If there is no interest in me please just be blunt? I know you can be and have been with girls in the past. This way I don't have to waste any more energy or worries on you.

If you could just get back to me as soon as possible, that would be wonderful.

From, Katrina



Oh the things I wish I could say to speed up the process...

Running therapy

When I get frustrated or upset my energy spikes and I don't think like an adult. In the past I have kicked walls or thrown myself on the ground.

After admitting that, I realize it's very immature and childish. Don't judge.

When I get to this point, there is no talking me out of it. I've had people try to comfort me in my frustration and it usually just makes it worse. The only thing for me to do is to get my energy out in someway.

Everyone chills their own way. I have friends who sleep. Others who read books. I know some who just have to be alone and breathe.

My method is the last one. Multiplied a little.

I've found the best way for me to de-stress or avoid my frustration fits is to run.

Yesterday I reached a point of frustration where I couldn't think about anything else but wanting to get out and run. I went straight home and threw on my sweat clothes and running shoes.

An hour and 4.3 miles later I was calm.

I think I might be broken

I am so confused.

To understand my confusion you need to hear a story.

Once upon a time... almost three years ago... I met a young man. We'll call him John. I know you have all heard songs that talk about being smitten from the first conversation you have with someone. Well I don't know how many of you have experienced this but I definitely have.
From the very start this guy made me all blubbery. I felt sheepish and at a loss of words. I got excited inside every time I saw him. Any time there was a chance I would see him. Anyway. We spent time together. Had some fantastic times on my front porch where we just talked for hours.

After a while we started seeing less of each other. Almost to the point where I thought I had moved on. I became involved with a different guy and John started getting ready to serve a mission. A couple months before  John left I saw him again and all the feelings I thought were gone came rushing back. I decided that John would always be that one guy that would have a part of me. That was the last time I saw him before he left.

A little while after John had left, I was talking with a mutual acquaintance. She said that she had written him and suggested I should too. I seriously considered it. Where was the harm? So I did. The first time I opened my mail box to find John's reply, I just about died. I gave Chelsey and Kelsey a call and we freaked out about it for a while. This is how almost every letter opening proceeded for the next year.
After a while though it was just like I was writing my older brother. When I would see John's letters in the mail I would get a pleasant smile, and sometimes I would get real excited just because it was a great pick-me-up in the middle of a stressful week, but I didn't make any phone calls or get butterflies.

Then two months ago reality hit; John's two years were just about up. I didn't know what to expect. What was going to happen when he got home? I hadn't felt anything for him in over a year. I currently had my eye on another guy, Pete, and I really wanted to see if that would go somewhere. I was scared once John got home I would forget all about Pete and I didn't want to.

When John did get home he called me up and asked me on a date. To be honest, when he came to pick me up I was in my bedroom convincing myself that everything would be fine. And it was. We went on our date. It was lots of fun. Not too awkward. I definitely wasn't head over heels for John the way I had been before his mission. I actually didn't feel any spark of interest.

My liking of Pete continued and grew. He and I went on a couple dates. As I started looking back at how past crushes played out, I decided that maybe I was coming on too strong. This whole time I was considering John. Interest was growing. I decided that I would just go with whatever happened

This brings us to about a week ago. The semester was coming to a close and I was moving home. Pete went out of state for a summer job. I now live at home and three blocks away from John. This last weekend opportunities presented themselves and I am going with it. But I am scared I'm not ready.

Social life

You know that moment when you find out you get to spend time with that someone you are interested in?

I don't know about you but I just about explode with excitement.

I have been containing that excitement inside me for a few days now.

Then today happened. 

I looked at my calendar and realized that it's going to have to be postponed.

Reality Check.

Trina, you a are a busy college student. 

Having a social life is not allowed.

Sometimes I really hate being busy.

Lately

I've been trying to spend less time sitting in front of my computer wasting time. Result? I don't blog for a week and a half.

Well pretty much this last week I have been tired. I've been in such a bouncy mood. But still tired. 

Yesterday I almost fell asleep while getting my planters warts worked on.

I turned my alarm clock off and slept until 3:53. A.M. Just a reminder, I have to be to work at 4. Ya, problem. I was only about thirty minutes late. 

Then at about 2:00 today I decided it was time for a nap. I konked on one of the Richard's building benches and I woke up to find I had drooled on my backpack... Yummy. 

On a more lady-like note, I've started putting make-up on again. Mainly because I want to quit looking like a sweaty, disgusting mess when I get to a certain dance class, where, I get to dance and flirt with a certain cute boy.

On the dating spectrum, I have two friends who are setting me up on blind dates. That should be lots of fun. I am going to have to try not to say anything stupid or awkward... Unfortunately I'm really good at it.

I also got a letter in the mail from Natalie:} I was really super excited! She loves me.

And that is pretty much it. Have a wonderful week.

Cold? No, thank you.

Well cyber world I decided that it was time to show my existence again.

Words from the Wise:
If you know that you have to get up heinously early the next morning but your laundry isn't getting done because you keep forgetting to switch it, push the pause button on finishing your laundry. Your sleep shouldn't be compromised.

Let's just say I compromised and it wasn't a very smart thing to do. I texted my supervisor Sunday night @ 11:00 p.m. saying I wouldn't be coming in for work the next morning because I wasn't feeling well. That was a little white lie. I didn't want to text him, "Hey so I was stupid and didn't decide to go to bed till just now. If I come into work tomorrow morning, I'll only be getting 4 hours of sleep tonight. For the sake of my body needing rest, I'm not going to come in." I went to bed that night restless. I couldn't just lie like that because I honestly felt fine. But I set my alarm for 7 anyway.

Of course my body would not let it be though. I woke up the next morning at 4:15 thinking, "I wasn't going to go in but I feel fine. I'm just being a big baby. If I go in, I'll only be 30 minutes late." So I did.

By Monday afternoon my nose began getting the itchy feeling it gets right before I get a cold. Spectacular. In hopes I could ward it off, I had a whole can of vegetable soup for dinner. Unfortunately it didn't work.

A few days later, in the brunt of my sickness, I truly wasn't feeling well and did want to text in sick but I knew I couldn't this time.

This weekend in my attempts to get better, I've stayed at home, drinking all the fluids possible. I've gotten a bit better but so I can truly smack this cold in the bum, I'm staying home from church so that I can sleep.

Tears are necessary sometimes

You know I could write this blog as if my life were perfect.
I could only ever talk about things that are good that happen to me but then it wouldn't be true to it's name.
A simple life doesn't mean that it's a PERFECT life. It's still life.

People say that you shouldn't focus on the bad. You should try to only see the good.
I've been guilty of saying it. But you can't ignore the hard stuff forever. So this is me telling you how I smacked it right in the face. It's still there but I've given it a piece of my mind and I will show that I will keep on living.
This might be a little scattered but that's how my thoughts are so...

Remember how I made my decision to cut my credit hours this semester from 17.5 to 13.5? Probably one of the smartest things I've done in the last couple of weeks.

Since school started last week I've been stressed.
During the day I've been trying my best to be the best student I can be.
My dance teachers have been throwing dance routines and combinations at me so fast, that the fact that I'm keeping up is a miracle.

I eat breakfast at 3:45ish. Lunch at 9. Then dinner at 3.
Every evening when I get home I am so exhausted I just want to collapse on my bed and sleep for 10 hours.
But every evening I start thinking about everything I have to do, handling my new job as SDEO secretary, all my homework, what groceries I'm going to buy, am I going to have enough for rent, and the fact that I have to wake up at 3 the next morning.

Then I remember that everything close to me isn't close at all. A week ago my apartment was a complete stranger to me. I don't live with wonderfully familiar faces anymore. Cam and Kenzie are potentially moving far away. My sweet little brother, who would rather hang out with me than his friends, can't just walk into my room and listen to me vent whenever I need it. He lives 30 minutes away. All the people who love me most, are far away. And the person I usually rely on to keep me thinking realistically, is going on a mission halfway around the world.

Every night I get stressed and anxious about life and I feel like no matter what I tell myself, it won't work. The only bit of crying I've been doing has been a couple tears in my bed or while writing in my journal.

Then last night happened.
Todd and I were trying to practice our routines when he asked, "You're a mess aren't you?"
I broke down and bawled my eyes out. I talked to Todd about my frustrations. About how much I hate my work hours. How I'm sure I would be doing fine if I weren't waking up so early. (Todd has worked the exact same job so he understands.)

Later I decided it was time to call Mom and talk to her about life.
***Just FYI mom's are wonderful. I'm so grateful to have Carrolee as mine.***
She knew just what I needed. She let me explode and then she comforted. Then she talked reason helping to calm me down. I'm no longer trying to convince myself that I can do this. She reminded me that I can. Talking to her has helped so much.

I'm still stressed but I'm no longer trying to say I'm not. I know that through Heavenly Father, I can conquer this semester.

I applied for a summer job up in Alaska last night. Just so I can get out of Utah. I also applied for two others alternate jobs for the semester to give myself options.

I also decided to call in sick this morning to work. I might not have a cold or the flu but I definitely was sick for a break. I'm starting over today. I woke up at 6:45. Showered. Did homework. Ate lunch. (I missed breakfast while sleeping.) Then baked potatoes for dinner this afternoon.

I can do this.

Nightmares.

Last night I did not sleep very well.

I'm not usually one to remember my dreams. I don't know why. But last night I have a vague memory. I dreamt about work. All. Night. Long.
I was seriously having a hard time deciphering what was dream and what was reality. I woke up at least 6 times last night freaking out thinking I was late for work.

When I did actually wake up to get ready for work I did not want to go. I just wanted to call in sick because my night was so rough. Once I pulled myself out of bed and got in the shower I was fine.

I must really be a morning person because after I actually get out of the sleepiness, I love being awake that early.

But when it comes to about five in the afternoon, I hate my hours. I dread the thought of going to work the next morning.

I was happy I didn't call in sick this morning. I clean the sports medicine room and the head trainer comes at 5-6ish to come work out. This morning his newly returned missionary son came with him... :} When He walked in, I was very happy to have my job.

Wise advice.

I've made a New Years' Resolution to be a good student this semester.

I'm going to do it.

But 12 hours ago I was planning on taking 17.5 credit hours, working 20 hours a week at unreasonable hours, get not so much sleep...

Then something happened. A class I was auditioning for was moved. It was now right in the middle of a 4 credit hour class I was taking. I then spent hours trying to rearrange my schedule but nothing was working.

I've been calm and not stressed all day but the confusion of trying to figure out my classes was the breaking point. My stress level skyrocketed.

I asked a friend of mine, who's a Junior, about it. "Should I try to take a different class or should I try to get the same class?" She gave me the best advice.

"Why not just take it easy for a semester?"

As I thought about it, I realized it was a wise idea. I'm trying to get in the habit of being a good student. I'm working from 4am-8am, five days a week. I'm stressing to coordinate with my dance partner for practice time. I'm taking hours of dance classes that I need to take this semester.
With it all I'm going to be exhausted. Overloading myself wouldn't help at all.

I'm going to do it. My mishap today might be a blessing in disguise. Or it might be a big mistake. But like Lily from "How I met your mother" says, "It's a mistake I have to make."

News!! Wonderful News!

So my new job is just great...

It's killing me slowly actually. 

But really only because I live so far away from campus all I have it my bike.

The girl I work with doesn't do her job half the time.

She says she's about to go do something, sits for a minute and then starts a conversation.

Hey Girlie, some of us are trying to earn an honest paycheck!!

Anyway, The lack of sleep has caused a cold to come over me. Not very happy about that one.

On the flip side. I took my last two finals today! If you disregard work, my break has begun!

Woo Hoo!!!!

And I officially started getting my clothes ready to pack up for my move. 

I don't think I ever really let you know... I did it. I found a place closer to campus to live! 

I can move in the 31st of December. I'm so beyond excited:)

Well it's bed time for me... Even though it's only six. 

Goodnight

3 Weeks

Life has happened.

Highlights.
*I witnessed a bird commit suicide. The next day I learned my teacher gave him a funeral.
*I've prioritized and stopped doing half my reading assignments. Something has to be sacrificed if I want to stay sane.
*I'm now employed.
*I've learned of a halfway nocturnal species of human walking BYU campus. AM custodial.
*I've started daydreaming about and hoping to be able to move closer to campus.
*I've learned that I'm leading a certain boy on and I don't have to say yes to a date again. Don't know exactly how that will go.
*We made 27 pies for Thanksgiving.
*My nieces and nephews came to visit. Oh along with my brother and sister-in-law.
*Natalie went through the temple for the first time.
*There is now a 12 foot Christmas tree standing in my parents house with a little help of a ladder and a tall sister-in-law.
*I realized that I'm so stupid when it comes to liking boys. I'm always falling for the ones who have at least 20 girls who have already called dibs.
*After a perfect date, I've gone on such an exciting emotional roller coaster, that now I don't care if I die a spinster.
*Black Friday has made a major dent in my pocket. I've bettered my wardrobe a bit.
*This semester is almost over.
*I went on a blind date and didn't die.
*The W-4 tax form has confused me.
*A letter came in the mail stamped with the same stamps that I buy. PIXAR. Love.

Hope your past couple of weeks have been grand.

"Life is in session." -The Switch

Hehehe

Music is crazy sometimes.
Well songs are.

I was sitting on my bed just folding my laundry when Pandora decided to play a certain song.
I've heard it a million times and sung it just as many.

But this time was different.
Coincidentally the song applied to my life directly.
                                                     This doesn't happen to me often.

I'm thinking this is just a little way for God to remind me that it's all in his hands. I just have to wait and see how it plays out.

I've listened to it on repeat a few times since.              


                                     Just a few.

Blood drive.

I've always felt obligated to make an effort to donate.

They say that they always need more donations.

So of course, despite the fact that whenever I get a shot, my adrenaline makes me feel like punching whoever is holding the needle, I convince myself I should do it.

I've only actually succeeded in getting in the chair once.

One time I was too light.

All the other times, I wasn't allowed because my mom or play director said I couldn't.

Well yesterday there were signs everywhere.

So I went.

I went in that room very confident with myself.

A poke in the finger.

Two stabs in the arms.

Only 3/4 of a pint of blood.

And

A great passing out story later

I walked out of there with a very full pack of snacks, completely mortified.




I don't think I'm ever going to try again.

Bedtime

I have come to the conclusion that once I hit 1:00 A.M. my brain completely shuts down.

Normally I'm forgetful and distracted, resulting in a seriously unfocused Trina. 

But once my brain shuts down it all goes. 

My homework is piling up but it won't help anybody if I'm not actually processing what I am reading.

Bed time.

(This state isn't too productive. Obviously.)

Hakuna Matata

Good morning.

So the second blow of midterms is this week.

I only have 2 exams & I've finished 1 already.

It was American Heritage. There wasn't really any studying happening.

Just cramming. 

I am really proud of the grade I on the last exam

But I studied more.

This round? Not so well.

I think it's a result of my real lack of motivation.

Honestly right now school is only second on my list of importance. That sounds terrible but there no point in lying. I think dance and sleep are winning. 

My body is stressed but I haven't really let myself stress myself out.

I've quit worrying too much about things that I can do without.

Putting on make-up in the morning.

Picking out a cute flattering outfit for the day.

Eating three well rounded meals. So long as it's food.

I'm still showering. That would be gross.

Sadly sometimes this is necessary.

   We have to evaluate what is most important and there need to be sacrifices. I didn't do well on my American Heritage exam, which is the pits but I can't say I deserve a better score. 

I don't.

I studied for the grade I got. It's in the past. 

All I can do now is learn from my mistake and study better for the final. 

And hey at least I didn't fail the exam! 

Life will go on. 

Today's happened list.

8:00  Realize that perhaps no plates or napkins were planned for.

9:00  Confirmed.

1:00  Vent to the poor soul who asked me how I was. 

2:00  Write myself a page full of positive motivational notes.

3:00  Tell people to bring plates. 

3:20-3:30  Stand in front of the donuts trying to figure out how many to buy and which kind. 

4:30  Realize that we were actually organized and did plan for plates and napkins. Get slightly dramatic and fall to the floor in the fetal position.

5:00  Eat a light snack and watch the set-up crew put the tables and chairs up wrong.

6:00  Start freaking out because materials for the balloon arches still haven't arrived.

6:50  Get really excited because everything looks fantastic.

7:00  Freak out again because the only thing that is on the food tables is pizza... 

7:20  The food table is full.

7:40  Watch the games start off terribly at first then take a 180* turn.

8:15  Tell everyone they can now go home.

8:20  Clean up and be happy it worked out. Try to convince body to stop stressing.

11:00  Decide that this weekend there will be personal celebration.