Tears are necessary sometimes

You know I could write this blog as if my life were perfect.
I could only ever talk about things that are good that happen to me but then it wouldn't be true to it's name.
A simple life doesn't mean that it's a PERFECT life. It's still life.

People say that you shouldn't focus on the bad. You should try to only see the good.
I've been guilty of saying it. But you can't ignore the hard stuff forever. So this is me telling you how I smacked it right in the face. It's still there but I've given it a piece of my mind and I will show that I will keep on living.
This might be a little scattered but that's how my thoughts are so...

Remember how I made my decision to cut my credit hours this semester from 17.5 to 13.5? Probably one of the smartest things I've done in the last couple of weeks.

Since school started last week I've been stressed.
During the day I've been trying my best to be the best student I can be.
My dance teachers have been throwing dance routines and combinations at me so fast, that the fact that I'm keeping up is a miracle.

I eat breakfast at 3:45ish. Lunch at 9. Then dinner at 3.
Every evening when I get home I am so exhausted I just want to collapse on my bed and sleep for 10 hours.
But every evening I start thinking about everything I have to do, handling my new job as SDEO secretary, all my homework, what groceries I'm going to buy, am I going to have enough for rent, and the fact that I have to wake up at 3 the next morning.

Then I remember that everything close to me isn't close at all. A week ago my apartment was a complete stranger to me. I don't live with wonderfully familiar faces anymore. Cam and Kenzie are potentially moving far away. My sweet little brother, who would rather hang out with me than his friends, can't just walk into my room and listen to me vent whenever I need it. He lives 30 minutes away. All the people who love me most, are far away. And the person I usually rely on to keep me thinking realistically, is going on a mission halfway around the world.

Every night I get stressed and anxious about life and I feel like no matter what I tell myself, it won't work. The only bit of crying I've been doing has been a couple tears in my bed or while writing in my journal.

Then last night happened.
Todd and I were trying to practice our routines when he asked, "You're a mess aren't you?"
I broke down and bawled my eyes out. I talked to Todd about my frustrations. About how much I hate my work hours. How I'm sure I would be doing fine if I weren't waking up so early. (Todd has worked the exact same job so he understands.)

Later I decided it was time to call Mom and talk to her about life.
***Just FYI mom's are wonderful. I'm so grateful to have Carrolee as mine.***
She knew just what I needed. She let me explode and then she comforted. Then she talked reason helping to calm me down. I'm no longer trying to convince myself that I can do this. She reminded me that I can. Talking to her has helped so much.

I'm still stressed but I'm no longer trying to say I'm not. I know that through Heavenly Father, I can conquer this semester.

I applied for a summer job up in Alaska last night. Just so I can get out of Utah. I also applied for two others alternate jobs for the semester to give myself options.

I also decided to call in sick this morning to work. I might not have a cold or the flu but I definitely was sick for a break. I'm starting over today. I woke up at 6:45. Showered. Did homework. Ate lunch. (I missed breakfast while sleeping.) Then baked potatoes for dinner this afternoon.

I can do this.

Determined the rest of my life

Yesterday I danced for nine straight hours.

What for?

I was there because the rest of my life depended upon it.

I was auditioning for the dance education major program.

Well this morning I got a email telling me...

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Congratulations, you have received approval as a Dance Major in the Department of Dance at 

Brigham Young University. 

 You have also received provisional approval as a Dance Education Major. 

I'm in

Today's happened list.

8:00  Realize that perhaps no plates or napkins were planned for.

9:00  Confirmed.

1:00  Vent to the poor soul who asked me how I was. 

2:00  Write myself a page full of positive motivational notes.

3:00  Tell people to bring plates. 

3:20-3:30  Stand in front of the donuts trying to figure out how many to buy and which kind. 

4:30  Realize that we were actually organized and did plan for plates and napkins. Get slightly dramatic and fall to the floor in the fetal position.

5:00  Eat a light snack and watch the set-up crew put the tables and chairs up wrong.

6:00  Start freaking out because materials for the balloon arches still haven't arrived.

6:50  Get really excited because everything looks fantastic.

7:00  Freak out again because the only thing that is on the food tables is pizza... 

7:20  The food table is full.

7:40  Watch the games start off terribly at first then take a 180* turn.

8:15  Tell everyone they can now go home.

8:20  Clean up and be happy it worked out. Try to convince body to stop stressing.

11:00  Decide that this weekend there will be personal celebration.

He is always there for us

Although I'm exhausted and I feel stressed I have no reason to be.

So you know how I said I had two papers due today? I typed one yesterday and then came to school today and realized I only had one due. Unfortunately it was the one I hadn't finished yet.

But good news I just barely finished it a couple minutes ago. I proofread it at least a million times so that I could improve it from my last two and I'm to a point where I am proud to call it my paper. I don't know how much better my score will be but oh well... it's life.

Now to the main reason why I am blogging today. I really need to get this down now or else I will forget something. I'm sitting in the library right now. Let's hope I can keep this together as I type this.

I started crying during my dance class today.

Reason?
My teacher gave us all blocks and stickers. We had to write on the sticker one of the things that the evil voice in our head tells us when we're feeling down about our dancing. *I can't tell you what I wrote or else I Will start crying.* Once we had it written down we stuck it to our block. Ms. Kathleen then had us dance with it. She had us do a sequence we learned in the past and switch the block from hand to hand.

It is a lot harder than it sounds.

Afterwards she told us how the block represents darkness and in order to put it down but we had to replace it with light. We came up with a statement to replace it and put the block down.

We then danced again not letting the tought into our head.
This is when I started crying.
I was focusing so hard on my light statement that I was messing the sequence up. This made the thought come back into my head. There was no way I could keep it out.

I had to go pick up my block again.

Kathleen asked me what I could do to make sure that it didn't happen again. I gave a good response but I knew that at that moment it wouldn't work for me.

As I was thinking I realized something. I was trying to do it all on my own. I was trying so hard that I was distracting myself from the real purpose, letting go of what was holding us down and just dancing. I was holding myself down even more.

I realized that I couldn't do it on my own. I really only had to tell myself my statment of light and then let it be. In doing that I was letting Christ into my dancing and allowing him to share my burden.

This applies to everything in our lives. We can't try to get rid of the dark things by ourselves. We have to decide what we're going to do and then turn to our Savior and let him help us through. He will always be there for us so long as we let him in.

Please excuse me.

Those links in my last post were slightly obnoxious....

But definitely necessary sometimes.

It was late. I was tired and sick of being stressed.

It's Thursday. I'm am again tired. I have two papers due tomorrow that I really don't want to do right now.

I'm going to ramble because I feel like I worn my sister out with my whining.

I love dancing. That's what I want to be doing right now.

I'm impatient. I want to get better at dancing but feel like I don't have 

the time.

I really want to go on a date.

With somebody my age.

Somebody who is not a creeper.

I should to write a reply letter but don't have time.

I'm in charge of a Halloween party for 200 people.

I really don't want to screw it up.

I need to see my best friends because it's been too long.

I need to get away from a computer and go outside.

Maybe hike the "Y"

I would love a job so I can move out of my grandma's basement.

It would be fantastic if Christmas would come faster

so that I can see my whole family together again.

Sometimes I think that God allowed music to exist just for me.

The topic has nothing to do with my situation

but it just reminds me that everything is going to be alright.

It's life.

Life is funny that way.

STORY:

Time: Summer 2011

My sister is the owner of an awesome, cheap scooter, that is bright red. She named it Eugene.  It really is a fantastic scooter. But I think I'm too klutzy to be around it.

Anyway. I had put some things in the seat so that I wouldn't have to carry them. 

We had arrived home so of course I went to get whatever it was out of the seat. 

Well on Eugene's  right side, there is a huge exhaust pipe. And I got too close. Oops.

It was super painful. 

Time: Fall 2011

We had just arrived home from church. Obviously wearing a skirt, my leg was kinda stuck to 

Eugene's leather seat. I struggled while dismounting to get myself unstuck but in the process

I stepped closer than I usually did. 

The back of my leg slid right down the exhaust pipe. 

Oops.

You think I would have learned my lesson but of course I didn't. 

I have now.

Eugene is like a horse. You should ALWAYS approach him from his left side.

The End.

Great things of my day:

• I slept in 40 minutes today. But I did go to bed last night at one.
• Kathleen Seffield is one of the most incredible women I know. She knows just how to help somebody forget about their stresses.
• I scored the highest I ever have on a college exam today. 
• I laughed for 10 minutes straight.
• My sister and I were discussing shopping for feminine supplies today in the parking garage. We realized that a fellow scooter driver (man) overheard our whole conversation. 
• Mr. Book of Mormon and I had a discussion about our corduroy TOMS. Well mine are knock-off brand but that's alright.
• (Not today) I received a letter in the mail on Saturday.

Oh boy:}

*My dance partner and I now have a Rumba. This is good news.

*Natalie took me to Disney's Broadway version of Mary Poppins last night. So supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

*Carl's Junior's co-store, the Green Burrito, makes disappointing enchiladas. They aren't very good.

*I'm going to have to fight for Jake. In observing my dance classmates, I've come to the conclusion that he has quite a few admirer's. But he'll be worth it.

*I'm very proud of the work I put into my American Heritage essay.

*It's Saturday and I just want to nap.