Tears are necessary sometimes

You know I could write this blog as if my life were perfect.
I could only ever talk about things that are good that happen to me but then it wouldn't be true to it's name.
A simple life doesn't mean that it's a PERFECT life. It's still life.

People say that you shouldn't focus on the bad. You should try to only see the good.
I've been guilty of saying it. But you can't ignore the hard stuff forever. So this is me telling you how I smacked it right in the face. It's still there but I've given it a piece of my mind and I will show that I will keep on living.
This might be a little scattered but that's how my thoughts are so...

Remember how I made my decision to cut my credit hours this semester from 17.5 to 13.5? Probably one of the smartest things I've done in the last couple of weeks.

Since school started last week I've been stressed.
During the day I've been trying my best to be the best student I can be.
My dance teachers have been throwing dance routines and combinations at me so fast, that the fact that I'm keeping up is a miracle.

I eat breakfast at 3:45ish. Lunch at 9. Then dinner at 3.
Every evening when I get home I am so exhausted I just want to collapse on my bed and sleep for 10 hours.
But every evening I start thinking about everything I have to do, handling my new job as SDEO secretary, all my homework, what groceries I'm going to buy, am I going to have enough for rent, and the fact that I have to wake up at 3 the next morning.

Then I remember that everything close to me isn't close at all. A week ago my apartment was a complete stranger to me. I don't live with wonderfully familiar faces anymore. Cam and Kenzie are potentially moving far away. My sweet little brother, who would rather hang out with me than his friends, can't just walk into my room and listen to me vent whenever I need it. He lives 30 minutes away. All the people who love me most, are far away. And the person I usually rely on to keep me thinking realistically, is going on a mission halfway around the world.

Every night I get stressed and anxious about life and I feel like no matter what I tell myself, it won't work. The only bit of crying I've been doing has been a couple tears in my bed or while writing in my journal.

Then last night happened.
Todd and I were trying to practice our routines when he asked, "You're a mess aren't you?"
I broke down and bawled my eyes out. I talked to Todd about my frustrations. About how much I hate my work hours. How I'm sure I would be doing fine if I weren't waking up so early. (Todd has worked the exact same job so he understands.)

Later I decided it was time to call Mom and talk to her about life.
***Just FYI mom's are wonderful. I'm so grateful to have Carrolee as mine.***
She knew just what I needed. She let me explode and then she comforted. Then she talked reason helping to calm me down. I'm no longer trying to convince myself that I can do this. She reminded me that I can. Talking to her has helped so much.

I'm still stressed but I'm no longer trying to say I'm not. I know that through Heavenly Father, I can conquer this semester.

I applied for a summer job up in Alaska last night. Just so I can get out of Utah. I also applied for two others alternate jobs for the semester to give myself options.

I also decided to call in sick this morning to work. I might not have a cold or the flu but I definitely was sick for a break. I'm starting over today. I woke up at 6:45. Showered. Did homework. Ate lunch. (I missed breakfast while sleeping.) Then baked potatoes for dinner this afternoon.

I can do this.

Nightmares.

Last night I did not sleep very well.

I'm not usually one to remember my dreams. I don't know why. But last night I have a vague memory. I dreamt about work. All. Night. Long.
I was seriously having a hard time deciphering what was dream and what was reality. I woke up at least 6 times last night freaking out thinking I was late for work.

When I did actually wake up to get ready for work I did not want to go. I just wanted to call in sick because my night was so rough. Once I pulled myself out of bed and got in the shower I was fine.

I must really be a morning person because after I actually get out of the sleepiness, I love being awake that early.

But when it comes to about five in the afternoon, I hate my hours. I dread the thought of going to work the next morning.

I was happy I didn't call in sick this morning. I clean the sports medicine room and the head trainer comes at 5-6ish to come work out. This morning his newly returned missionary son came with him... :} When He walked in, I was very happy to have my job.

Wise advice.

I've made a New Years' Resolution to be a good student this semester.

I'm going to do it.

But 12 hours ago I was planning on taking 17.5 credit hours, working 20 hours a week at unreasonable hours, get not so much sleep...

Then something happened. A class I was auditioning for was moved. It was now right in the middle of a 4 credit hour class I was taking. I then spent hours trying to rearrange my schedule but nothing was working.

I've been calm and not stressed all day but the confusion of trying to figure out my classes was the breaking point. My stress level skyrocketed.

I asked a friend of mine, who's a Junior, about it. "Should I try to take a different class or should I try to get the same class?" She gave me the best advice.

"Why not just take it easy for a semester?"

As I thought about it, I realized it was a wise idea. I'm trying to get in the habit of being a good student. I'm working from 4am-8am, five days a week. I'm stressing to coordinate with my dance partner for practice time. I'm taking hours of dance classes that I need to take this semester.
With it all I'm going to be exhausted. Overloading myself wouldn't help at all.

I'm going to do it. My mishap today might be a blessing in disguise. Or it might be a big mistake. But like Lily from "How I met your mother" says, "It's a mistake I have to make."